Mother's day

We kicked off our summer with Mother's day. We had a wonderful Saturday where I got to sleep in until I woke up. That is seriously the best thing ever and rarely happens. We try to allow each of us a morning to sleep in for 2 hours and then we switch on the weekends but I try to allow Dallas to have the Saturday because I can always take a nap on Sunday. So it was great!

Sunday I woke up and we went to church and stopped and got the mail on the way home.  In the mail was a cute bracelet from my mom with my kiddo's birthstones on it. It was beautiful. I need to remember some day to get it re sized but till then I will just look at it and admire them. It truly was so nice of my parents.

The only part of having just 2 beads is knowing that there is a finality to it. The feeling of the last one not ever coming makes mother's day so hard for me. The years of infertility don't disappear. But seeing 2 and not just one was enough. 

The boys gave me a card that they wrote on themselves and Dallas and the boys gave me the BEST present EVER. 

In the last 8 years I can count on ONE hand I have been away from my children. It just doesn't happen. Someone is always with me. So I get one night, in a hotel room, with no kids or husband. Where I can watch movies, have my own food and eat it warm and sleep... alone. Not sharing a bed with anyone and sleep in, until check out... which can be a late check out!! And Thanks to a amazing Friend, the newly remodeled Crowne Plaza will be my destination. She got D a great deal when I am ready to go (which won't be till mid August) but I am going to  LOVE it! 

The many faces of Grayson

Trains....... Things that move...... Garbage trucks. No really, if it goes down the street and makes noise he wants to see it.

He is a creative little toot for sure. But when he wants to relax and kick his feet up, he will find his own way to do it. 

We have never had a neurotypical kiddo, so my over active/ hypochondric self tends to freak out. Our awesome PA is always willing to listen. But this kid gets more than his fair share of "smart" app time on the Ipad. He eats rocks and sometimes, you just gotta LOVE that little cute face. I love that face! 

Our trips to Tori's "par ma see" is one of his favorite things. And usually a baby comes with him. Oh how Tori at the pharmacy loves his little face! 

Every morning he is in bed with me and he says " Mommy I need a cuddle." But he HAS to be in my bed. He never sleeps alone. Nothing we have tried works. I am his big fat security blanket. But his sleeping is my most favorite thing. He is so sweet. He has to be holding my hand, or hugging me or touching me. And just a hand on his sweet heart to know he is still with me, sure does heal a broken heart a little at a time.  ( Now if only he will sleep when we move to our NEW HOUSE!!) 

But his MOST favorite thing is to sleep in a sleep over with his brother. He wants to sleep in Tyler's bed every single night. He has even left my room and his room to go curl up with Tyler. Thankfully, Tyler sleeps through it all. 

And he always finds cool ways to be Grayson. 

He is a pretend play freak. Loves to make pizza's, fix cars, drive cars, and play in a kitchen and best of all, he takes GREAT selfies!

This little kiddo gave me has been so hard and so rewarding. I am pretty sure that it is just payback for all the things I did as a kid and all that Dallas did. But most of all, we wanted him so much. We did everything we could to have him. We had so may procedures, and so much heartache to get him here. We had more drama than we EVER wanted when we finally got pregnant with this sweet spirit. We were told we "ruined" someones life and ostracized and blamed for things that were just mean, mean.( which by the way, these same saints didn't exactly tell us in a way that allowed us to process the last 4 kids, because empathy is not their forte) But all we wanted was someone to love. Some sweet spirit to have for Tyler to have a sibling. He is the icing on the cake for us. He keeps us on our toes, he gives us no sleep. But he is the best and perfect brother for Tyler. And perfect sweetness for me and Dallas. 

* Disclaimer: While it has been brought to my attention that I am hurting someone's feelings by voicing my feelings that happened when we found out we were pregnant with Grayson. For writing in my blog, I am sorry that it hurt your feelings. My feelings were and still are hurt but my apologies.*

Christmas Time

I wanted to record our Christmas time because at some point, as hard as things get, or as AWESOME as they get, I love seeing what happened to us. It goes along with my resolution this year.

So, here is our Christmas that should eventually have photos! 

In October we got word that the AMAZING contract we had for the last 2 years was ending. So we carefully put away a lot of money not knowing what we would be in for as far a job or new contract or what. As {our} luck would have it, we did amazingly well ( we also have no debt { medical doesn’t count in this}... dang right peeps!) and so we were able to live fully on our savings. I am a budgeter and a planner and I really try hard to think about the gifts that I want to give to our kids, so I knew what I needed to cover in cash, what we were to give each of them. This was not including any gifts to each other because, in all honesty, we are OK going without. 

Dallas was able to find a job a lot faster than we expected, but before this happened, my car, which is a hybrid, decided to not start one day. This was also at a time that D’s gramps was very sick and we had some people to be taxi’s for. So we used my budgeted amount of money to fix my car. It was a batter but Hybrids tend to kill you when something goes wrong. But we were still OK. 

Somehow, with our tighter budget pants on, the kids enjoyed a very nice Christmas. And Dallas got a mustang. { Long story... awesome story} Best present EVER!

December was a hard month in general for us. I had to have Christmas all done and taken care of before I went into surgery. After surgery, there was no way I could do more than a few things and I was not allowed to. My brother, OK it was his wife... whom I also ADORE! { whom I love and adore and had no idea about the above mentioned difficulties in our life} Offered to buy a ticket and flew my dad down to help for one week. This was such a much needed help. I couldn’t do anything. I was not mentally doing awesome and I really needed my dad. And because of the distance for Christmas, my kids really needed my dad too. 

I was not doing great though, trying to get better. My poor dad spent more time in an OB office in a week than he probably has in years. I am not doing recovery so well and the tumor they took off was huge and made things a little worse. 

So my dad was able to help me keep the house running, kids happy and most of all, me sane. 

While my dad was here we wanted to experience a few of the temples from the outside and so we went to the new Gilbert temple that was announced. It is in the works and it is HUGE and beautiful. We learned a lot about the things they are putting into the temple and I an’t wait to go back and take some more photos as it progresses. 

We also decided as Christmas time we would head into the LDS Mesa temple and look at the lights. Ty wasn’t really having it so we didn’t end up spending a ton of time. Lucky for us it was one of the warmer nights that my dad was here. He had a cold that he was coughing and I felt so bad for him. BUT not bad enough that he didn’t kept it to himself and I got sick soon after. 

I enjoyed the lights a lot. I wish we would have been able to walk around more and next year, if I can’t get my kiddos to go then I am going. I want to try out some newly found education on LIGHTS!! 

I must add, that Ty didn’t really want to go to the lights. And we had to trick/convince him it was ok. So we didn’t get to stay long. Next year I want to go earlier in the year and walk around and enjoy it a lot more.

That Saturday, my dad had his last night here. We set up face time and skype with my mom and Aunt Nicky. The traditional Jammie's were going to be opened so Grandpa could see them in them and grandma could watch the kids. Nicky also wanted her present opened and so we had a technology filled evening. The boys loved it. Grayson is such a flirt with his Aunt Nicky and grandma. 

We took Grandpa home to the airport on Sunday. I am pretty sure, though he was glad to be getting back to grandma, he was a little teary eyed to be missing hearing “ papa” followed by patters of feet running for a hug. 

On Christmas Eve we made dinner, had a nice quiet night and read Christmas stories. We went to bed and Santa had everything ready to go. 

The next morning we had the fun chaos and the boys loved their stuff. They also face timed with Grandma the old lady and grandpa the boy and Nicky while they opened up their stuff.

Christmas left without much drama.

Ty was left thinking that Santa was coming every night. 

We were left with more toys than we needed.

And we were happy. 

The "Club"

There are lots of "clubs" that come up in life. Some we chose to join and others we don't. Some we belong to and feel welcome and some we just don't.

In High School I didn't fit in with one type of group but my best friend and I had a great time. We were always together. Since growing up, Steph is still a great friend and I talk to her all the time. We are even having a baby together this time!

On my mission I joined a more "elite" club. I became a missionary. Though they are a large group, the amount of Sister's was pretty small. Our mission had about 25 at the largest time. I still have some of those Sister's as friends.

After I got married I joined the married club. I LOVE it. I love being with Dallas. With a marriage comes the sister in law club. That has been a harder adjustment. I joined the mom club soon after and then we added the Welcome to Holland club.

That club has had it's ups and downs but there is always someone who I have found that I have felt comfortable with. Blogging has helped a TON. I have met so many wonderful people. I have tried to contribute to the club by doing the same as what I have been given.

The Holland club was not one that I wanted to sign up for but since I am here I am trying to make the best of it. I am trying really hard to learn and grow and do my best.

I was in a club for several years that I didn't want to join. We were in an infertility club. It was a horrible club. I hated it. But I never thought I would be kicked out of it. I guess I am thankful I am kicked out. I just feel sad because there are some who never get kicked out or that really resent those who WERE members but aren't any more.

The April Ensign ( the April one isn't up yet but will change the link when it does) had a article about Infertility. It was such a great article and really got me thinking about the "club." It got me thinking about how much it changed me. For a long time it made me sad and bitter. In the end, I still had bad "fertility days" but I had decided that I couldn't change it and that I would just have to "get over it." Figuring out that I couldn't change it I had gone on and talked to my doctor about medicine for my cramps that were REALLY bad and I was getting REALLY sick and getting ready for a hysterectomy.

Soon ( like the next afternoon) after the hysterectomy was pretty much planned we found out about Grayson. I was excited, scared and worried. We really did think it was girl but we are so excited about a boy. We realized that it didn't matter what we were having because we had faith that it would be what we needed.

But I had to change first. I had to figure out that in the big picture that Heavenly Father knew what we needed and what I needed. Adoption wasn't for us for several reasons. Like others, it wasn't the right thing for us to do. We had done all we could as far as treatments went. It wasn't all the treatments that were available but it was all we could do for us.

That is a HUGE part of what I learned. I could only do what we could for US. The best quote that I found was given by a person in the ward of a member struggling with infertility. It said " When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith promoting experience. The second is faith perfecting."

The Holland Club reminds me a lot of the above comment. There were main Faith promoting experiences during the time we were in the NICU and since. He wasn't healed and he still has effects from that time. The things we have learned since that time has been perfecting and will continue ( if I let it) perfect us in our life.

I wasn't cured of infertility. If we were to try again we could potentially be in the same boat we are now. There is many a medical explanation for our infertility. In black and white the ability to get pregnant again is not in our favor. But we don't know why we were given a faith promoting experience while others are still being "perfected."

Having been dismissed from the club I can honestly say that my heart goes out to those who are still there. Watching their struggles makes my faith and testimony grow. The bigger picture is not one we know the ending to. But we do know that He does. That He knows perfectly awhile we know imperfectly.

Cleaning much?

I have to admit I HATE cleaning. There is a mom clean and a kid clean and I think my whole "idea" is that if it is kid clean I can pass with the cluttered mess. I am not a hoarder. I just would prefer to not scrub my walls every other day.

I was looking back on my private blog and noticed that I have kinda been in a depressed funk for a while. I really noticed that the depression was really bad about a year ago and the fertility mess during the summer didn't help anything. Then we got pregnant and I really thought that I would have snapped out of EVERYTHING and just be this fabulous mom and wife and the works.

So that dream was quickly smashed when I realized how exhausted I was. I didn't realize that while I was pregnant with Tyler it was such a crazy time of change that I didn't notice half of what I did this time. I savored every minute and took a LOT of naps.

Now that I am feeling a LOT better and I am enjoying every move, kick and punch that I need to get my act together. Today was spent scrubbing from top to bottom my closet and my bathroom. It felt great. The dishes are done and laundry is almost finished.

I feel bad I wasted almost a year in a depression and a funk. What else did I miss? I realize how much I could have done better. I was sad about something that I couldn't and can't control. Fertility is such a HARD thing to go through. You feel alone and down and nothing feels right about it. But I had to get up and put on my pants and do what I could to function.

Now that I see that I was BARELY functioning now I can start to forgive myself and do a little better. Isn't that all Heavenly Father asks for, is just to be a little better. Do a little more.

Faith in the future

I haven't been blogging much. I have found I have no energy for it. There are so many things I have to blog about and probably 11 entries that haven't been ready for publish. They just don't work out JUST right.

I recently had a conversation with Dallas about how much our life has changed in just 13 short weeks. For 2 years we struggled with the inability to have a baby. It caused heartache, loneliness, sadness and a personal feeling of failure. I felt like my worth as a women was pretty much ZILCH because I was unable to do just what my body was meant to do. Have children.

The feeling wasn't just because of my inability to get pregnant. I had the guilt from the time I had Tyler and my body failed to keep him safe. The feeling of failure and guilt consumed much of my thoughts for the first few months of his life.

The desire to have a baby and the inability to get pregnant were so hard. They were all consuming. I was devastated ever single month. The constant reminders around me made my feelings of sadness even deeper.

When November came, I had made the decision that I was to sick to keep doing this and that I either had to make up my mind to have a hysterectomy and give up any hope of EVER having another child or just put that hope on hold we found out we were going to have a baby.

When we found out I was so excited to share the news with someone who I knew would understand and was also going through infertility as well. It didn't turn out like I thought it would and have since lost someone I felt was a great support and friend. I thought having a baby would fix the feelings that I have been having for YEARS.

Being pregnant didn't change some of those feelings. I obviously, no longer had the constant reminders that I was infertile or that we weren't pregnant. We changed those for morning sickness and nervous anxiety of worrying for the safety and begging for my body to do its job. It didn't change the fact that I lost loved ones over the discovery of adding a new life. It didn't erase my guilt of not being able to keep Tyler safe and it has left me with worry that I might not have good results and that I MIGHT just have to prepare for the worst.

We were seen quickly at our Doctors and we were sent to a high risk doctor as soon as possible to allow us the best outcome possible. But in the middle of the appointment there was those feelings, stronger than ever. The tears started flowing.

I have a lot of things to process with a new one coming. I feel sad for those on the other side of the coin. Those that long and cry for another baby. I feel sad and I feel like I belong over there because I "get it." But I no longer am part of the club. I feel bad that each time I have gotten pregnant it has been a source of anger and hatred. I never wanted my kids to be a source of any ones pain. Then I have to face the deep down scars that I thought were all better.

I worry that if it is a boy, will I feel that I am replacing a "broken" one. Or that I will love one over the other. Then the guilt for caring what we are having and not just being glad to get a baby and a prayer for a healthy one.

There are so many what ifs and feelings of sadness, happiness and joy all mixed into one bowl.

I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father has allowed us this last chance to be parents. That He is blessing us with a child that is SO wanted and so needed. I am thankful He has remembered me and my feelings and has given us this chance. It is a chance that is making me rely on faith so that I can look to the future with hope and excitement. I am also thankful that I have had the chance to experience heartache so I can have empathy for those who are still struggling with infertility. I am also thankful that there were people who were willing to listen and go through the struggle with me and I hope they have the best of luck and their prayers answered soon.

The best is yet to be. The future, if filled with faith, will get us through the hard times to come. It is OK to cry but to keep on going.

Faith.. Faith in what the future holds.

Merry Christmas to US!

Many posts in the past 2 years have made mention of our struggle with infertility. Our battle with infertility and endometriosis is not one that is uncommon. So many people suffer. In fact 1 out of 6 couples struggle with infertility. It causes a lot of heartache, sadness, defeating feelings, feelings of inadequacy and LOTS of anger and many many more.

There is never a day that goes by when you have infertility that something doesn't trigger one of the above feelings. Some days even getting out of bed is bad. Really REALLY bad.

Well, for now our struggle and battle is over. It is still early and it is still a hold your breathe kind of time but we are finally able to say we are pregnant. After double and triple doses of fertility medications we are finally seeing 2 lines!

We had our first ultrasound today. Super early! But since we are high risk we get to have things done a little differently. We are not high risk because we used fertility meds. We are high risk because Tyler came 15 weeks early.

We are measuring barely 7 weeks ( which is about right according to our charts) but because of the large scar on my uterus and the muscles that are not lining up correctly we have to go in for a better look on the 28th of December. There is definitely something in there and now we just kinda wait till we get a little bigger.

The plan to ward off a early delivery includes a Cerclage, p17 shots, increased amounts of visits and lots of rest and chocolate. We will see a perinatologist around 12 weeks or as soon as we see that everything is still going good ( after the 28th) then we will be able to sit down and have a chit chat with the Perinatologist.

Because of the scarring on my uterus and the fact that the muscles don't line up so great we are really being watched. But overall we are hoping for a uneventful 36 weeks.

We are super excited and are super glad to not be battling the fertility front at the moment. We are so excited to have a new baby in our home and family.

What is Endometriosis?

Endometriosis is a disease. A very painful disease. The tissue that are found in the cells that line the uterus called endometrium, form in other places OUTSIDE where they belong. Some places that these cells are typically found are on your bladder, bowel and around other surgical scars. ( It can be around other organs as well.) It can be found on other sexual organs and inside your fallopian tubes.

The thing about these particular cells is they have a "memory," so when your monthly cycle is not hindered by hormones ( like birth control) they act like they should if they were found in your Uterus. The problem is, they aren't IN your uterus. In turn you get internal bleeding, scar tissue build up an no way for those cells to leave your body like they are suppose to. I leaves you with bowel issues, incredibly painful cramps and infertility or problems getting pregnant.

Symptoms of endometriosis are VERY painful periods. Sometimes those cramps are so bad that they make you sick to your stomach. For me, my legs go numb. We know I have endometriosis on my bladder and my bowels and on my tailbone. We know that I have some on my sciatic nerve. So when certain times of my cycle come I can't feel my legs and my lower back is so tender you can't touch it.

Other symptoms include 3 weeks of cramps and pain like you were having a period. Bowel issues including chronic constipation, diarrhea and an upset stomach off an on throughout your cycle. ( When mine is bad and I know I should be getting treatment of some sort for it I have all of the above but have morning sickness like stomach ache.)

It causes painful sex, painful bowel movements during your period and frequent yeast infections. ( TMI on which of the above I get so, well, pick one (or three) and you are probably right)

The amount of pain that I have varies throughout my cycle and really depends on what types of hormones are currently in my body. For now, about 3 days before we think I ovulate I am SICK SICK, and I am fine for a few days after ovulation and then the full 2 weeks before my period I have cramps, a back ache and my bowels are not friends with anyone but a throne.

No one knows what causes endometriosis. There are several things that they "think" are possible causes but basically they just don't know.

To be diagnosed with endometriosis you have to undergo a laproscopy. Though it can be assumed by symptoms it can't be confirmed until you have surgery. My first surgery was when I was 20. It was confirmed then. Since then we have had treatment with drugs, depo lupron and more surgery.

The treatment options for endometriosis are slim. There is pain management. High doses of naproxen are given for every day pain. Sometimes narcotics are issued depending on the severity of the endometriosis and the duration that you have gone without large and better treatment options. Hormone replacements, such as birth control, shots of depo lupron and to have a baby. The only "cure" is a hysterectomy. ( which once we have another child we are doing)

When you are pregnant your endometrium don't grow any more. With nothing feeding them they tend to go away. The down side. It is hard to GET pregnant. Most want children and Most doctors won't do a hysterectomy until someone is 30.

The most common medicine given for Endometriosis is Depo Lupron. Which turns you into a crazy crazy person. Trust me. 4 rounds later and at different times in my life, it makes you a VERY different person.

How this effects our fertility?

In order to go through infertility both D and I had to be tested for every test under the sun to determine where the infertility was coming from. In easy terms Dallas is super man. The problem lies with the endometriosis ( aka me!) We started trying and of course can't use birth control in order for that to happen. When things got bad we started a round of Depo lupron. So I guess you could say it was put on hold. Since then the pain has gone from only hurting a week before my expected period to 3 weeks before my expected period. With the 1st week, the week of ovulation, so bad I can't feel my legs. Though we fight through the pain and issues, we are still not pregnant. This is even with ( TMI mom... don't read) well timed intercourse.

When the only solution is to get pregnant or have a hysterectomy we are running out of options fast. Endometriosis is real. It is not a made up condition. It hurts millions of women each year. I just happen to be one of those.

Please feel free to ask any questions you feel you need to in order to understand the condition.

A big FAT zero

Ty goes to school Tuesday - Friday. Most of the kids are there for speech purposes only so because he gets like a million services he goes everyday. He gets one on one of everything and he gets double Physical Therapy by way of Adaptive PE and then the physical therapist.

An about me book was the subject for a week. They talked about families, friends and brothers and sisters. After looking at his home paper for a week I really was excited to see what the book was going to say. Plus this year he can talk, so the book might be a little more accurate.

When it came home we sat down to read it.

Then it hit me. It got to the page about his family. He had "drawn" a picture" of his brothers and sister.

The page was blank. In the VERY corner was a drawing from the teacher or aide.

Tyler has zero brothers. Tyler has zero sisters."

I was sad and a little tear ran down my cheek. That zero stung and burned.

Tyler looked at the page and said "Number zwero" "2 number zwero."

Luckily the bus came and he went out the door.

Zero! ZERO! ZERO!!

Its a number we are really familiar with. Its a number we have been working to change. But the word zero, feels about the same as the BFN on all the tests. It is one that leaves me in tears EVERY night when we pray. It is a reminder of my faults every morning when I log onto Facebook to see yet another "announcement."

Zero......

ZERO....

Pity Party

To my Pity Party!

When: When things are NOT going that great.

Lots of Gifts please!!

Chocolate is welcome~

Today has left me super high on emotions and super down. Usually I am OK and usually I can pick up the pieces and figure out what to do. Today is not that day. I wish I could easily find a remedy because I don't have time to get stuck in a funk.

A little over a week ago Dallas and I got to go out on a date. I was so excited. I even dressed up to go. As we were driving to pick up Tyler he got really sick. At first I thought it was just the dinner not sitting well. We got to his parents house and he got SICKER fast. This has happened before and we ended up in the ER. ( 2 times to be exact.. once by ambulance) It was a Friday night so I thought if we JUST got him through the weekend we could get in to our family doctor.

By Sunday he wasn't getting any better so I took him to the Instacare. They ran some blood, said he was dehydrated and basically sent him home and told him to call his family doctor for more options. So we did. D got in on Monday( or Tuesday) and they sent him to get a scan of his tummy.

So he has been sick for almost 2 weeks and they still have no answers. We are getting close and tonight he had a HIDA scan for his gal bladder ( which we are almost certain it is) and he has an appointment to see a surgeon tomorrow. But he is sick. Which means he isn't able to help much. He sleeps a lot and can barely make it through the day. He isn't able to help with Tyler and it makes me super stressed. ( Not his fault)

In the midst of him not feeling well the Air conditioner in the Jeep went out. I HATE the jeep. I want to sale it so badly but being the awesome driver that I am, it has been in a few accidents. The last accident has still not been fixed.( think deductible.. High because of my awesome driving and a bunch of other stuff we would rather spend 500 bucks on.. Like food, place to live) So we are stuck with it until all the odds and ends are fixed. We took it in to get it looked at and get an estimate. $700 bucks. Yeah, we had a small anxiety attack.

Lucky for us my dad works at a place that gave me a amazing deal. We had bought tires and needed to head to my parents anyway but I was not expecting to go alone NOR was I expecting to go when I did.

Last week after a FULL day at Thanksgiving point and visitors and Dallas being sick I left around 8 PM and took the 2 hour drive to my parents with Tyler. He has the hardest time sleeping at home but here we are 2 hours away from home 2 hours past his bedtime. He was WIDE awake. He spent the next 3 days literally crying and whining. I rarely lose my patience with him. But for 3 days I was about ready to lose it. The drive back home was HORRIBLE. He would get so mad over nothing. It was 2 hours of crying. ( No he doesn't really sleep in the car. He was and usually is up the whole way.)

When I got home not only had I left in such a hurry but I left the house in a mess. A really bad mess. I figured that Dallas would probably be feeling somewhat better and he didn't have Tyler to worry about so he might be able to get a little bit done around here. But he was still sick. So I came home to a sick hubby, a gross house and laundry up to my eyeballs. Not to mention 3 days of non stop Crabby pants.

By Friday Dallas was so sick he ended up in the ER. They of course found NOTHING wrong with him. Since he didn't have a high white blood count he was sent home with pain medication and a script for a Hida scan. He was given a shot and sent on his way. Oh I was LIVID. They say that while it MIGHT be his gal bladder ( which I am really thinking it is) it isn't considered and emergency so call your regular doc.

I had already called a general surgeon/gastro/internal whatever you want to call him and made an appointment just in case no one could figure out what was going on with D. Luckily we are able to see him tomorrow. Dallas had the Hida scan tonight and he came home SICK SICK and pretty much in tears.

We have been doing stuff with fertility ( or Infertility) for several YEARS (boo!) and needed to start one of the medications last week. But because walmart didn't have record of a refill I had to call my doctor to get it done. He did, and added 4 more refills but I had to make an appointment. He sent in the refills after 3 times going to walmart. Which means I missed the day I had to start this stuff and therefore get to wait ANOTHER month. I LOVE my doctor but I hate having the reminder once a month that I am HORRIBLY broken. As I sat there today with him going over my charted cycles and fertility clinic info. I felt even more down. Not to mention my almost 5 year old not wanting me talk and getting mad because I couldn't pay attention to JUST him. Then leaving the appointment just as broken as when I came in with no answers.

Tyler. Oh how much we LOVE him and his new found talking. That is the best part of the whole summer. The hardest part is how he spans from a 2 year old to a 5 year old. That leaves me with 3 children in one. While I know we want another one I really don't think people get how difficult it is to have it all wrapped into one kid.

He can't walk far enough when we go to the store to not be carried. He is HEAVY. He is not "disabled" enough for a wheelchair and isn't "disabled" enough to need a walker. He isn't big enough for me not to carry him so I get to carry a 30 pound stiff muscled kid. Oh and then what do you do with a kid that is to big to fit in the cart seats ( and you can't get him OUT of them when you are ready to go cause his legs don't bend that way.) and you can't put him in the bucket of the cart cause you need groceries? Anyone have a solution to that one?

He can't do some things like other 5 year old kids so sending him out to play isn't an option. While I would love for him to go out on his own he can't make friends because he doesn't talk well enough. Plus he doesn't play like a regular 5 year old. So unless your 5 year old can play like a 2 year old then we aren't invited for a play date. And at 5 no one has play dates. They send their kid out by themselves. He does great with the 2 year old but you don't see many two year old out without their moms. I can't send him out to ride his bike because he can't pedal it. So I am having to push him (again.. a 30 pound kid that is pretty much dead weight) around on a trike that doesn't really work for a 5 year old. ( A trike for his "level" is around 700 bucks. As is a stroller. That would be 1400 bucks. Not covered by insurance and not including the 20 percent of EVERYTHING else, plus gas, plus fertility, plus a place to live. blah blah and don't forget food)

He doesn't have the maturity( or is it just imagination...either way he doesn't have it) level of a 3 year old to do imagination play so he doesn't entertain himself. So I am his source of entertainment. 24 hours a day ( or until he goes to bed) all day long. While I get that he is my "job" I am also a mom, wife, housekeeper and chef so add that to a child who can't do anything on his own but watch a movie. ( and even then I have to sit and sing with him or he gets upset) You have the recipe for a very stressed out person.

He is a good kid. I know that things are tough for him. I know he doesn't want them to be that way and neither do I. When you have the other stresses in life the patience wire just seems to be the first to go.

The bonus: at least this month I don't have the extra hormone in my body to make me even more emotional.

The downside: Dallas is still sick, Ty is always going to be this way and I am still infertile.

The whole truth

I have never not talked about our secondary infertility on this blog. I just didn't detail everything like I did over on my other blog. I know that some read this that aren't supportive in any detail and sometimes it is just more of a means for them to "spy."

As I got thinking about both blogs and want to keep both I wanted to take the advice that I have been given in the last few months and blog with honesty with my readers about everything. The good, the bad, the not so pretty and the amazing. Though I plan to keep the other blog and keep it going I am going to post it on here as well.

Why? Because this is our life. Our life is Tyler. Who is amazing, smart, cute and who just happens to be handed a really bad deal. We blog about his life, his prematurity, the hardships. The downs and the ups. We blog about the hard times we have has parents, the sadness that sometimes creeps in. But I felt I was not being open and honest with the other part because of the nonsupporting nature of those around us. ( Mind you... a FEW, SELECT few.) So in open honesty I have decided to add the secondary infertility that is thought consuming, hard and sad.

If you want to read a more detailed account our Blog starts at the beginning if you will. But the last entry was Friday. We were waiting on our beta pregnancy test ( blood test) and it came back negative.

It has been one of the hardest days in a VERY long time. Soon I will have the courage to share all of my feelings but for now, that is about it. In order to combat my sadness I have been on a lovely keep busy kick. My house looks great ( till this morning) and soon I will have the time to write it all down.

Till then... Infertility will be part of this blog. It is a part of our life. It is part of who we are. It is part of why we do things.

And the results are in....

I know you are ALL dying to read what is up. You can read updates on Facebook if you don't want to wait for me to post them here.

But I won't keep you waiting. After upping my dose to double the FSH we went into our ultrasound not expecting much. It is easier to be surprised than disappointed. Right?

We started the ultra sound and she didn't say much. Then turned the screen and D said, " Is that the egg!?"

SURE WAS. In fact there were 3. One is little and probably won't grow any bigger or make it much further but the other 2 were big. One was 13 mm and needs to be 18mm to trigger ovulation. The second one was 8 mm. The third one was 6 mm.

So plan of action is to continue with the shots at 225 and go in on Thursday for another ultrasound and see if they grew big enough. If they did we do our trigger shot and do our IUI. If not, well we start again. Or we move on to a different plan for a few months.

* This does not mean that I am pregnant or that it will result in a pregnancy. IUI is not a guarantee and IUI is NOT IVF. There is still a pretty low percentage ( though we are PRAYING for it to work) that it won't work we are very hopeful.*

Follicles or no follicles

Today is kinda cross post that goes on my fertility blog. But since it is impacting us HERE too I thought WHY not share it here.

On Friday we went in for our ultrasound to see how our follicles looked for this round of IUI. WE have not gotten all the way to the IUI part in our cycle because something is broken each time. It seems the broken piece in our puzzle is ME!

We did FSH shots which are suppose to be MUCH harsher than clomid and provide them with more follicles to work with. Clomid we had one "sort of" egg and with FSH we had ZERO!

Lots of disappointment and sadness ensued and now 2 days of DOUBLE The dose for the next 2 days. So Off I went to pick up today meds and because the best Nurse I could be and shot it on in.

Tomorrow is the ultrasound to see if there is any change with it just being further in my cycle. If not, cycle 2 is a BUST!

So.. if you could all give us some prayers and some extra follicles and eggs to show up that would be CRAPtastic!

Infertility Awareness

I LOVE that Tittle. Wanna know why? Because I promise if you have or HAVE had infertility issues you are VERY aware. More so than even I knew until recently.

Tyler was not "tried" for and we were ( and so was our doc) incredibly surprised. I was on birth control and had had several surgeries to fix some endometriosis. So getting pregnant was a HUGE shock to everyone.

( these are the current meds I am taking in order to "increase" our chances of getting pregnant Tonight I am up to 11 pills)

Tyler's pregnancy was really hard. I had bleeding the whole time and had placenta previa. We had six ultrasounds and then had to switch doctors. We needed a doctor closer. She didn't think that I would need extra care because my sister had 2 healthy children with this doctor. We all know the rest of the story. If you don't you can read it here.

I missed MOST of my pregnancy. I had my child RIPPED from my stomach. Literally. He was kept alive by machines. He suffered brain damage and he is almost legally blind. I had JUST started feeling Tyler kick. His dad NEVER felt him kick. We couldn't hold him for 3 weeks. He had heart surgery when he was less than 2 pounds. I pumped. I couldn't make enough milk for him because I had to have reconstructive surgery on my stomach because of my incredibly botched C section. I kept pumping. I got less than 2 ounces from BOTH breasts for 5 months. I pumped EVERY 2 hours.

The roller coaster has lasted for almost 5 years. Though we were not thinking of having another child until recently we had always used protection ( and a lot of it) in order to prevent a pregnancy until we were SURE we were ready and were in complete control of the situation.

In March 2009 we took the plunge and we went to my doctors in Arizona. They sent us to see a perinatologist. The perinatologist took all the information that he could get to give us the BEST case scenario and how we would get there. Best scenario: 34-36 weeks. 36 weeks MAX. Worst case scenario: well it can't get any worse than what we have. Another pregnancy would include, bed rest, cerclage, and weekly shots and LOTS of ultrasounds.

All to get that last trimester. One more try to get what I really want, feel that I should be having, and feel that our life is not complete without that last person. And even have some pretty strong feelings spiritually that we SHOULD have a baby.

A new blogger I found a few weeks ago said gave 3 things that you should NEVER say to a infertile women or a couple going through infertility. I thought they were perfect so I thought I would share.

1. "It will happen in the Lord's time." my interpretation of this might be way off but when someone tells me that after EVERYTHING we have been through with Tyler is that we aren't praying hard enough, aren't good enough or as good and "so and so who was ALSO told by God they should have a baby and BAM got pregnant the next day."

2. "Just adopt! I know so and so who adopted and then she got pregnant right after." Yeah, so do I. But 1) I don't have a desire to adopt. 2) I honestly think it takes a special person to adopt. I am not that person. Especially if there was to be something "wrong" with that child. I would be ( DO NOT JUDGE) one that can blame someone else. I already blame myself for SO much about Tyler. I don't have the heart to want to find fault and I am the first one to admit it is a selfish reason. 3) I want to experience what I had taken away from me. I want to feel like crap the last trimester. I want to have a baby shower PREGNANT. Do all the things I didn't get to do. I want my OWN child. It is NOT for us.

My friend Kelly said this "In addition to this, adoption is a huge decision, and a difficult decision. It takes complete faith and submission to the Lord's will. It is also letting go of your wants as a woman, like feeling your baby kick in your tummy. These desires are sad to let go of. The decision is major and life changing."

3. For the last one I am going to quote her WHOLE statement. She said it better than I ever could . "You need to relax." "Go on vacation." Let me tell you from experience, it is almost impossible to relax when going through infertility. Imagine, if you will, your child going missing for a few hours. There is a huge hole in the pit of your stomach, right? Like you have lost one of the most important things to you. That is what infertility feels like all of the time, like you are missing your child."

Right now, I feel the child missing in the pit of my stomach. I want to hold, love and raise that child. But they are missing.

Finally~ (YEP THE END!) The last year has been VERY hard for me. Especially hard in the last few months. I haven't had a place where I could go to have my feeling heard, understood and verified. BUT, I was able to find an Ali in the war against fertility. My sister in law and my brother have been dealing with infertility for a LONG time. I cannot thank his wife enough for being my support system even when way more is going on for you.

I am so thankful that I had you to go to. And from the bottom of our hearts I HOPE and pray every night that the cycle works for you guys. And I can honestly say, I will be estatic to be an Aunt to those Babies ( or baby.)

Thank you again.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.That sure is a lot.

I feel like I have bloggers block

Have you ever been in that kind of a funk where you are so overwhelmed that you want to write a million things but can't get them all out and even if you did SOOOO many people would think you are not a nice person ( which I generally think I am?)

Oh... you don't feel that way... OPPS.. I am crazy!

Well then, I guess you will all have to wait for all the blogs I wrote while angry, upset and frustrated to be published!

Till then....

A few fun things in the Brown household:

The list of lupron side effects gets longer every day. I am not sure how much longer I can handle them without throwing in the towel and asking that I be all done. Last night while chit chatting with Dallas I was a little "emotional" and the tears were flowing. I noticed that the tears were either flowing MUCH more than I realized or I had the worst runny nose imaginable.

I got up and decided that as it soaked my arm that I needed a tissue.

Yeah. It wasn't boogies and it wasn't tears. My nose had been bleeding. Yep.. not just a little but like GUSHING.. LOTS LOTS. My hands were covered, neck, HAIR, shirt top and face and it was STILL coming. I turned around and looked at Dallas. I think that much blood was a little freaky.

Sad thing.. can't just get it off with a towel so after sitting on the toilet for 15 or so minutes trying to figure out if upright, tipped backwards or packed was the way to go we decided a shower with a packed nose it was.

In the shower it was slowing down but it was STILL running. It was horrible!! Oh and then the puke started. The blood was a little too much and so now it was coming out the mouth. YEP... THANK GOODNESS I was in the shower already.

So after about an hour it stopped. I sat up in bed making sure that it wasn't gonna start again. And off to dream land it was.

In the morning I had a headache and was super dizzy, Dallas let me sleep in and then I slept past the time that I was suppose to be there to get Tyler ready for school but I heard the bus and booked it to get him out the door.

I have really struggled all day. Emotionally I am not doing so hot and am feeling like I am drowning in more ways than one. My body Literally hurts from every joint in my body. I can't handle a few of the things going on around me so I tend to shut down.

I call the pharmacy tomorrow for my next shot. Emotionally I am not sure I can do it another three months. I just don't. But am I ready for the next step either?

P.S. This round I have gotten ever severe side effect. Estrogen supplements have been my friend but I am not thinking they are working ...... :(

I hate endometriosis!

I hate the fertility game.

I feel really alone in the ride.

You remember this?

SERIOUSLY! A little more comfortable. Who are you KIDDING!

And Really doesn't it look like the chicks are gonna kiss... Yeah that is comfortable.

Anyone in their right mind can tell you a landing strip in their undies is not MUCH more comfortable. The only thing more uncomfortable would be an aircraft!

"Crappy!"

A few weeks ago I posted THIS and we went in and got the shot. The dysfunctional stuff has now turned into HELL! Along with some other things that have come up I am really really struggling. Emotionally it is really hard to understand that something you were designed to do doesn't really "work." It is hard to just sit in pain every single day physically and then add an emotional stressor with it. The Depo lupron has taken me for a ride along with all the other things that I was not expecting.

I really should have tried super hard to buy stock in Kotex!