The "Club"

There are lots of "clubs" that come up in life. Some we chose to join and others we don't. Some we belong to and feel welcome and some we just don't.

In High School I didn't fit in with one type of group but my best friend and I had a great time. We were always together. Since growing up, Steph is still a great friend and I talk to her all the time. We are even having a baby together this time!

On my mission I joined a more "elite" club. I became a missionary. Though they are a large group, the amount of Sister's was pretty small. Our mission had about 25 at the largest time. I still have some of those Sister's as friends.

After I got married I joined the married club. I LOVE it. I love being with Dallas. With a marriage comes the sister in law club. That has been a harder adjustment. I joined the mom club soon after and then we added the Welcome to Holland club.

That club has had it's ups and downs but there is always someone who I have found that I have felt comfortable with. Blogging has helped a TON. I have met so many wonderful people. I have tried to contribute to the club by doing the same as what I have been given.

The Holland club was not one that I wanted to sign up for but since I am here I am trying to make the best of it. I am trying really hard to learn and grow and do my best.

I was in a club for several years that I didn't want to join. We were in an infertility club. It was a horrible club. I hated it. But I never thought I would be kicked out of it. I guess I am thankful I am kicked out. I just feel sad because there are some who never get kicked out or that really resent those who WERE members but aren't any more.

The April Ensign ( the April one isn't up yet but will change the link when it does) had a article about Infertility. It was such a great article and really got me thinking about the "club." It got me thinking about how much it changed me. For a long time it made me sad and bitter. In the end, I still had bad "fertility days" but I had decided that I couldn't change it and that I would just have to "get over it." Figuring out that I couldn't change it I had gone on and talked to my doctor about medicine for my cramps that were REALLY bad and I was getting REALLY sick and getting ready for a hysterectomy.

Soon ( like the next afternoon) after the hysterectomy was pretty much planned we found out about Grayson. I was excited, scared and worried. We really did think it was girl but we are so excited about a boy. We realized that it didn't matter what we were having because we had faith that it would be what we needed.

But I had to change first. I had to figure out that in the big picture that Heavenly Father knew what we needed and what I needed. Adoption wasn't for us for several reasons. Like others, it wasn't the right thing for us to do. We had done all we could as far as treatments went. It wasn't all the treatments that were available but it was all we could do for us.

That is a HUGE part of what I learned. I could only do what we could for US. The best quote that I found was given by a person in the ward of a member struggling with infertility. It said " When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith promoting experience. The second is faith perfecting."

The Holland Club reminds me a lot of the above comment. There were main Faith promoting experiences during the time we were in the NICU and since. He wasn't healed and he still has effects from that time. The things we have learned since that time has been perfecting and will continue ( if I let it) perfect us in our life.

I wasn't cured of infertility. If we were to try again we could potentially be in the same boat we are now. There is many a medical explanation for our infertility. In black and white the ability to get pregnant again is not in our favor. But we don't know why we were given a faith promoting experience while others are still being "perfected."

Having been dismissed from the club I can honestly say that my heart goes out to those who are still there. Watching their struggles makes my faith and testimony grow. The bigger picture is not one we know the ending to. But we do know that He does. That He knows perfectly awhile we know imperfectly.

Faith in the future

I haven't been blogging much. I have found I have no energy for it. There are so many things I have to blog about and probably 11 entries that haven't been ready for publish. They just don't work out JUST right.

I recently had a conversation with Dallas about how much our life has changed in just 13 short weeks. For 2 years we struggled with the inability to have a baby. It caused heartache, loneliness, sadness and a personal feeling of failure. I felt like my worth as a women was pretty much ZILCH because I was unable to do just what my body was meant to do. Have children.

The feeling wasn't just because of my inability to get pregnant. I had the guilt from the time I had Tyler and my body failed to keep him safe. The feeling of failure and guilt consumed much of my thoughts for the first few months of his life.

The desire to have a baby and the inability to get pregnant were so hard. They were all consuming. I was devastated ever single month. The constant reminders around me made my feelings of sadness even deeper.

When November came, I had made the decision that I was to sick to keep doing this and that I either had to make up my mind to have a hysterectomy and give up any hope of EVER having another child or just put that hope on hold we found out we were going to have a baby.

When we found out I was so excited to share the news with someone who I knew would understand and was also going through infertility as well. It didn't turn out like I thought it would and have since lost someone I felt was a great support and friend. I thought having a baby would fix the feelings that I have been having for YEARS.

Being pregnant didn't change some of those feelings. I obviously, no longer had the constant reminders that I was infertile or that we weren't pregnant. We changed those for morning sickness and nervous anxiety of worrying for the safety and begging for my body to do its job. It didn't change the fact that I lost loved ones over the discovery of adding a new life. It didn't erase my guilt of not being able to keep Tyler safe and it has left me with worry that I might not have good results and that I MIGHT just have to prepare for the worst.

We were seen quickly at our Doctors and we were sent to a high risk doctor as soon as possible to allow us the best outcome possible. But in the middle of the appointment there was those feelings, stronger than ever. The tears started flowing.

I have a lot of things to process with a new one coming. I feel sad for those on the other side of the coin. Those that long and cry for another baby. I feel sad and I feel like I belong over there because I "get it." But I no longer am part of the club. I feel bad that each time I have gotten pregnant it has been a source of anger and hatred. I never wanted my kids to be a source of any ones pain. Then I have to face the deep down scars that I thought were all better.

I worry that if it is a boy, will I feel that I am replacing a "broken" one. Or that I will love one over the other. Then the guilt for caring what we are having and not just being glad to get a baby and a prayer for a healthy one.

There are so many what ifs and feelings of sadness, happiness and joy all mixed into one bowl.

I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father has allowed us this last chance to be parents. That He is blessing us with a child that is SO wanted and so needed. I am thankful He has remembered me and my feelings and has given us this chance. It is a chance that is making me rely on faith so that I can look to the future with hope and excitement. I am also thankful that I have had the chance to experience heartache so I can have empathy for those who are still struggling with infertility. I am also thankful that there were people who were willing to listen and go through the struggle with me and I hope they have the best of luck and their prayers answered soon.

The best is yet to be. The future, if filled with faith, will get us through the hard times to come. It is OK to cry but to keep on going.

Faith.. Faith in what the future holds.

Afraid to look to the future

This thought has been on my mind since we had our OB appointment on Monday. Though things look OK NOW I have a hard time thinking about the future. A hard time accepting that it could all quite possibly work out amazingly well with no glitches.

Instead I find myself afraid to wish for that baby to be able to room in with me where I can lay in bed, nurse and be alone with my new baby. I am afraid because if I think that, and it doesn't happen those shattered dreams from 5 years ago will be right there to haunt me.

I don't know if I should be dreaming of nights in the NICU, or nights up at home. I don't know if I should be dreaming of dance recitals and basketball or walking through a wheelchair shop. To not dream big makes me feel like I am setting it all up to be a failure, but the reality of "what could have been" is so different than reality.

We know we will be taking so many precautions. We will be seeing a specialist. We will get extra ultrasounds on kidneys, brains and a fetal echo. We will be cautiously put on bed rest when needed and we will do all that is asked to get a baby here healthy. It is just one of those things where my heart and mind long and ache to be healed. Ache to not put my baby through suffering. Ache to have my peace of mind in my arms.

Just have Faith

The recurring theme of my study this month. I really wanted to write down a few things I have found from the Prophets about Faith and what has taught me this month.

President Thomas S. Monson has counseled us that “faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other”

• Can I have faith that because this door is closing SOMETHING else isn't going to open.
• How can I not doubt that we would not have what we need when the real provider is our Heavenly Father.
  
• Why do I always forget that in order to have faith we usually have to DO something? And sometimes that "something" is humbling ourselves and asking others for help. Only because those people have probably ASKED for some way to give service to another.
  

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught how to respond to adversity. Part of his counsel included :The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable”

• This month STUNK... but I remembered how much I LOVE Dallas. Going out together on ONE date made me remember that we love each other. That we care about each other and we can laugh and love and make it more enjoyable while we are miserable :)
  
• And really, we have been through worse, so we will just pick ourselves back up and move on!

Last but no least : Prayer.. I think I have done more soul searching, tear strewn prayers in the last three weeks than I EVER have since my mission. The feelings of the Spirit are very strong. Its the rest that overpower and I forget to listen.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love and of a sound mind........ A scripture that I will always remember. Be not thou therefore afraid......

I am worried, but I am not afraid. I have no doubt, and hope that what I feel right now, the peace... is faith.

Day of Thanks

What a day of reflection and Thanksgiving. I can't fully express my thoughts tonight to truly show what I feel. But I want to try. At least for my family to read and me to remember.

I am SO thankful for Dallas. He has changed my whole life. From the first day that he loved me he changed me. Nothing beats knowing everyday that he loves me and that he TELLS me. He tells me every day I am beautiful and because he loves me so well I feel it.

I am thankful that he is a good dad. That he loves Tyler and is such a support to both of us. He is very encouraging and really wants what is best for him. He works so hard for our family and he is my best friend.

I am so thankful for Tyler. So many amazing things have happened since he came into our family. He is the MOST most amazing special spirit I know. He works so hard to do the things that I take for granted. He has accomplished more and over come more in his 4 years than I and most people ever have. In the last 2 months he has soared with his language and communication. Because of that, other people are seeing just how smart he is. He makes me smile EVERY DAY. He has the most contagious laugh and the most gigantic spirit.

I am thankful for what he has become and look forward to the things he will accomplish. I am thankful for the team of doctors we have that work so hard to get him being his best and so thankful for the team of therapists that help him on his way.

Which leads me to my next thankful. I am thankful for my family and for the support that they have offered. Though sometimes we are at odds with what we think others should do overall its all about Family. It is about the caring and supporting of each other regardless of the circumstances.

I am thankful for Dallas' family. I am thankful for his parents raising such a great person. I am thankful for their support and love. I am hoping as we continue through the year that things will keep getting better and we can continue to be thankful for each other.

I am thankful for my friends. I have some great friends that are so supportive. I am thankful for how much they care about me and my family. I am thankful for those who have come into my life, if even for a season, I have learned from all of them.

Last but not least I am thankful for my faith and for the Savior. Learning and understanding the atonement of Jesus Christ and doing my best to live up to what I have been taught. Because of my Savior I have all the other things above.

Because of the of that I am the luckiest Girl in the entire world.

My faith and Germs. Yes they go together.

Something happened tonight that really struck a cord with me. Along with some "innocent" comments from some unnamed people I thought I would take a few minutes to address something. Not to take way from our HOORAY on the post before ( so scroll down and jump up and down) and then get settled. It might take awhile.

So, to start I just wanted to share a little bit of what I believe and then a little lesson in GERMS. Like I said it is going to be a little lengthy. ( Germs first!)

Growing up I can only vividly remember missing church MAYBE 5 times. Most of the time that church was missed by anyone in our family it was because we were sick. Like the sick person would stay home and the rest of us would go to church. While at the time I didn't think a thing of this I do now. In fact I think a great deal about it. And as I think about it I get kinda mad. And a little bit on the paranoid side.

If one of us was sick that meant that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US were sick. We were carrying a germ. At the time of growing up I didn't think about it because it wasn't a common occurrence and our ward at home was not that big.

Fast forward to 2005. In September you will recall the birth of a one pound baby. (If you don't read the freaking archives or the October Salt Lake Tribune, or click on a "tag" on my blog labeled MICRO PREEMIE... or better yet google it) (Like I said... I am a little ticked.) Anyway, while in the NICU our favorite Neonatologist cautioned us on germs and how things are spread and strict instructions were given on what is the WORST place to get germs. Church was the NUMBER ONE ON THE LIST. Why you ask? Because of the above for mentioned actions of Yours truly. Because one of them go to church carrying the germs that I would then pick up and take with me in to the NICU.

Fast forward 93 days in 2005 ( give or take) and we get a 5 pound newborn home and guess where they say we are NOT allowed to go. That's Right CHURCH. We wanted to have him blessed. We opted to do it at Church. Tyler came in after Sacrament had started and he left before it was over to avoid all the germs. We talked with our Bishop at the time and they brought the sacrament to us. The Relief Society sent one person a week to check on us and the Bishop stopped by. Making sure we were OK and that everything was going OK. That ward understood why it was important for us to NOT be there and to understand that we had and still do have faith and a belief in our religion.

Fast forward to 2009. That's right. While I no longer freak at every possibility of getting germs when an out break of something happens we tend to shrink away from heading into Church. Also keep in mind that we are not talking about a Utah ward of 200 or so people our ward is currently 800 people. That's right 800 people. If even HALF of them have been exposed to the flu we are talking 400 people who are sick. Its not a pretty idea for me. I get Anxiety even thinking about it.

My lesson to you...... If you have been around sick people or cared for a sick child keep your entire family home from church. They are sick. There are people who would LIKE to go to church and enjoy sitting in Relief Society without hearing, " My husband is home with our 3 sick kids so I could come to church" REALLY... Come on. I am no sitting next to you, where I will then bend over and pick up my kid and have the GERMS you brought to church go to him.

And just for your FYI and reading pleasure: KIDS WHO ARE BORN AT LOW BIRTH WEIGHT ARE CONSIDERED IMMUNOCOMPROMISED. NOT IMMUNOSUPPRESANT. BUT IT MEANS THEY GET SICK MORE THAN A NON IMMUNOCOMPROMISED PERSON. If you don't think they are that is fine. Let me tell you about the Swine flu post. Guess who got it. Tyler. Guess who didn't. A immunosuppresant person. So yeah.We catch things.

OK so that is my rant about sickness. And in the words of Barney " Keep your germs to your self don't give your germs to anyone else."

OK. Now on to my faith. Somewhere between leaving the nest of my parents and the feeding of the gospel being bird fed into my mouth I had to make a choice. I loved church as a college student and attended every week. I held various jobs. Some I loved and others not so much. I learned so much from one particular calling. I was the relief society president for over a year. I also worked full time and was attending UVSC. Yet I seemed to have it all together and worked hard. During that time I got the bright idea that I wanted to serve a mission.

I took out a loan, paid off my debt and started to get ready to go on my mission. It was while I was getting ready to serve my mission was when I came to the understanding of what the Gospel really meant to me. I have also grown and changed in what my Faith is since having a child. So please bear with me as I share a few of my thoughts.

I got called to Indiana. It was not the exotic mission of choice. I was with a bunch of girls that were going to Durban South Africa and I was going to Indiana. So, I struggled. A lot. Until I moved to South Bend. That is when I figured out a lot of things.

That is where my testimony grew and where I became a rock. Meaning, No matter what I have a belief of what I taught that no other faith or no matter what is said I know what I believe. This is when I met a few people who totally changed my life.

When Tyler was born we had a bishop that was not supportive of anything that happened. Because of this lack of support we moved. We really needed a support system. We moved into a ward that was very supportive.

When we moved to Arizona we were excited to start our journey. Ty was healthy and we were no longer in RSV season in Arizona so we got the go ahead to head to Church and we did. We went often in the beginning. When cold and flu season came around and we realized how large our ward was and how yucky it was we cut back. Then came time for Tyler to start going to nursery.

This is when my faith changed. You see. I still have a very very strong belief in the gospel. I listen and strive to do what is asked of me. But I have a hard time with this teaching of tolerance and the actions of others that is NOT tolerant.

When Ty was ready to go to nursery we took him in, sat with him and had his walker with us. We were told he was NOT allowed to have his walker because we had such a larger nursery he would run over the other little kids. So his only Independence was taken away. But what about all of the other kids that would run over MY kid. I felt that no understanding about our issues. So we kinda back off and since he couldn't go then we were backing off.

A year came and we would go sporadically. When he got old enough for sunbeams we took him and he would go and we liked it. We have gone most weeks since then. The ward is 800 people . Just because you don't see us doesn't mean we aren't there.

When we got back from vacation we had the swine flu. We were sick. We couldn't go anywhere. Including work. Let alone to church.

This week we didn't go to church because the person who is doing respite for us had the stomach flu. Meaning we were exposed and we KNOW that they won't missing so we didn't want to add more germs. We stayed home.

Fast forward to tonight. Its dinner time. the doorbell rings. The Elders are standing on our doorstep. We invite them in. Offer water, bathroom and then their question comes. They were told by a family that we were less active. That we were struggling and would probably benefit from them coming over.

We told them that was fine and they set up an appointment to "teach" us so they have a chance to get in their lessons for the week. But what chaps my hide is the above.

1. If we are struggling then why is it that we don't have a priesthood holder EVER over to our home. We have never once seen a home teacher. The few men we do know are not " friends" nor our home teacher. When called they are usually busy or not answering. Which leaves us to attend to brain surgeries all alone. With no other person to help administer to our child.
   
2. Why is i in a ward of 800 people I have ever visiting teacher over the age of 60. I have no friends, no family. Could you please give me someone that I could possibly become friends with.
   
3. Ty has had 2 brain surgeries and there has no been any support from our ward. No volunteer to bring dinner. No help for us. No support.
   
4. We have no friends. Our ward is not friendly at all. Unless you belong to the clique they have had formed for the last 6 years you are not invited.
   
5. Tyler is different and though they all claim tolerance they have NO IDEA how to actually show that tolerance.

I have had mothers say that Tyler is retarded. I have had people stare and laugh at him. All of this in a place of worship of some one who taught us to love everyone. Someone who said to suffer the children.

Instead you send the Elders over to my home to teach me and to tell me to go back to church when we never left. We just have to take it at our time because of the ignorance of others.

As I was deeply hurt by tonight's actions I read and reread an article by Boyd K. Packer. It is an article that has left me in tears tonight.

Some point from the talk:

1. It is my intent to teach doctrine which, if understood, will reinforce your courage and endurance, even foster a measure of contentment with circumstances which you did not invite, do not deserve, but from which you cannot turn away. We didn't ask for this. We didn't deserve this. Tyler didn't ask or deserve this. But our love for him we can not turn away.
2. Afflictions come to the innocent. Tyler is Innocent. He did nothing to deserve this.

3. Never Ridicule.

4. Parents, take time in the next home evening to caution your family never to amuse themselves at the expense of the handicapped or of any whose face or form or personality does not fit the supposed ideal or whose skin is too light or too dark to suit their fancy. Teach them that they, in their own way, should become like angels who “move the water,” healing a spirit by erasing loneliness, embarrassment, or rejection.
   You are all claiming to teach tolerance in our ward. We have seen no tolerance. We have not even seen love. Judgment and words like Retard have been thrown our way.

Think of this: Unless we die prematurely, every one of us may end up both physically and mentally handicapped. We would do well to make advance payments of service and compassion on which we may draw when that time comes.
Pres. Packard continues:

Why not help the parents who have extra things to do and extra expenses and are confined because of a handicapped family member. Encourage the teachers and social workers who show such devotion to them. And it would’t hurt you to donate a few dollars or a few hours to one of the many organizations which help the handicapped. If we do this, without the slightest idea of selfishness, it will remain in our account against that time when we may need help. And the works of God will be made manifest in our lives.

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

“For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.” (D&C 58:3–4.)

Why is it that they can't do that. Why is it that I am feeling alone? Why is it that I walk this route with no help from those very people who teach the above mentioned things.

I truly believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I truly believe that when we get to the next life Tyler Will Be whole. I honestly believe that. I honestly believe he is a miracles. I believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God. I believe in the Book of Mormon. I study and read often. I am sad that those in our ward and some in our family can't understand the plight we are in. And that you can't support us.

I am saddened. Please come and walk a week in my shoes. I know I have a child of God that I am raising. I am feeling that every day. I recognize the miracle that Tyler is. He is such a special spirit. I wish that those who have felt because we are not "Active" could feel the spirit we are cultivating.

Practice what you preach.

General Conference

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I lived in a wonderful little town. If I close my eyes at night I can find all the places that gave me memories. I can get to Mindy's house with my eyes clothes. I know how to get to Sister Smarts going by the cemetery. I know what road to turn in to get to the Demarrow's. I remember the blue walls of the Wilsons.

I remember the feelings, and smells and the way I felt as I taught the families and shared my testimony of why I knew what I was teaching was true.

Conference weekend stirs the pot. Stirs ups some major feelings of the past, present and what I can't wait to do for the future.

We have been making some big decisions in our life and I wanted to make sure that the decisions that we had made were right. I learned in that small little town that if I took questions with me in my head to conference, wrote them down and prayed that I would know what to do, my prayers would be answered.

And boy where they.

I know that I am making the right choices with what we have chosen to do. I know that Tyler is a huge blessing and that he is the best thing that I can do in order to keep me in check. He is the most closest thing to Christ that I will ever come in contact with.

I have resolved to do better, be better and look forward to the future. That my future is only as bright as my faith.

I can do this. I can do what I have been entrusted to do.

I love Listening to the prophets.

(ps. I really want this photo. This little boy has glasses and looks like Tyler. The poem that goes with it is just what my heart needed. Thanks Amber for sending it to me)