Friday, April 30, 2010

Infertility Awareness

I LOVE that Tittle. Wanna know why? Because I promise if you have or HAVE had infertility issues you are VERY aware. More so than even I knew until recently.

Tyler was not "tried" for and we were ( and so was our doc) incredibly surprised. I was on birth control and had had several surgeries to fix some endometriosis. So getting pregnant was a HUGE shock to everyone.

( these are the current meds I am taking in order to "increase" our chances of getting pregnant Tonight I am up to 11 pills)

Tyler's pregnancy was really hard. I had bleeding the whole time and had placenta previa. We had six ultrasounds and then had to switch doctors. We needed a doctor closer. She didn't think that I would need extra care because my sister had 2 healthy children with this doctor. We all know the rest of the story. If you don't you can read it here.

I missed MOST of my pregnancy. I had my child RIPPED from my stomach. Literally. He was kept alive by machines. He suffered brain damage and he is almost legally blind. I had JUST started feeling Tyler kick. His dad NEVER felt him kick. We couldn't hold him for 3 weeks. He had heart surgery when he was less than 2 pounds. I pumped. I couldn't make enough milk for him because I had to have reconstructive surgery on my stomach because of my incredibly botched C section. I kept pumping. I got less than 2 ounces from BOTH breasts for 5 months. I pumped EVERY 2 hours.

The roller coaster has lasted for almost 5 years. Though we were not thinking of having another child until recently we had always used protection ( and a lot of it) in order to prevent a pregnancy until we were SURE we were ready and were in complete control of the situation.

In March 2009 we took the plunge and we went to my doctors in Arizona. They sent us to see a perinatologist. The perinatologist took all the information that he could get to give us the BEST case scenario and how we would get there. Best scenario: 34-36 weeks. 36 weeks MAX. Worst case scenario: well it can't get any worse than what we have. Another pregnancy would include, bed rest, cerclage, and weekly shots and LOTS of ultrasounds.

All to get that last trimester. One more try to get what I really want, feel that I should be having, and feel that our life is not complete without that last person. And even have some pretty strong feelings spiritually that we SHOULD have a baby.

A new blogger I found a few weeks ago said gave 3 things that you should NEVER say to a infertile women or a couple going through infertility. I thought they were perfect so I thought I would share.

1. "It will happen in the Lord's time." my interpretation of this might be way off but when someone tells me that after EVERYTHING we have been through with Tyler is that we aren't praying hard enough, aren't good enough or as good and "so and so who was ALSO told by God they should have a baby and BAM got pregnant the next day."

2. "Just adopt! I know so and so who adopted and then she got pregnant right after." Yeah, so do I. But 1) I don't have a desire to adopt. 2) I honestly think it takes a special person to adopt. I am not that person. Especially if there was to be something "wrong" with that child. I would be ( DO NOT JUDGE) one that can blame someone else. I already blame myself for SO much about Tyler. I don't have the heart to want to find fault and I am the first one to admit it is a selfish reason. 3) I want to experience what I had taken away from me. I want to feel like crap the last trimester. I want to have a baby shower PREGNANT. Do all the things I didn't get to do. I want my OWN child. It is NOT for us.

My friend Kelly said this "In addition to this, adoption is a huge decision, and a difficult decision. It takes complete faith and submission to the Lord's will. It is also letting go of your wants as a woman, like feeling your baby kick in your tummy. These desires are sad to let go of. The decision is major and life changing."

3. For the last one I am going to quote her WHOLE statement. She said it better than I ever could . "You need to relax." "Go on vacation." Let me tell you from experience, it is almost impossible to relax when going through infertility. Imagine, if you will, your child going missing for a few hours. There is a huge hole in the pit of your stomach, right? Like you have lost one of the most important things to you. That is what infertility feels like all of the time, like you are missing your child."

Right now, I feel the child missing in the pit of my stomach. I want to hold, love and raise that child. But they are missing.

Finally~ (YEP THE END!) The last year has been VERY hard for me. Especially hard in the last few months. I haven't had a place where I could go to have my feeling heard, understood and verified. BUT, I was able to find an Ali in the war against fertility. My sister in law and my brother have been dealing with infertility for a LONG time. I cannot thank his wife enough for being my support system even when way more is going on for you.

I am so thankful that I had you to go to. And from the bottom of our hearts I HOPE and pray every night that the cycle works for you guys. And I can honestly say, I will be estatic to be an Aunt to those Babies ( or baby.)
Thank you again.
Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.That sure is a lot.


~NICKY~ said...

not to deter from your moment.. but looking at the picture, is that chocolate? by the birth control? because if it is... it looks good.. AND, i want more babies in this family.. i can't have any right now( i sure do want some.. LOTS, but don't feel it would be .. right at the moment

Amber said...

I am so sorry Nancy that you are going through this VERY DIFFICULT and VERY REAL trial :'(!!! Although I am not married yet so I am in no possition to have children right now, I too have the heartache of empty arms. I have wanted children my entire life. The need grew stronger when I was around 16 years old and while I was on my mission with you, it has grown to be almost unbareable!!! The only thing holding me back from reaching my dream is a husband.

Just like you and Emmalee, I too know I have 2 children (Micah Edward (boy) and Allison Jealyn (girl) just waiting to come to my waiting arms. There are countless times when I have cried and cried because I want Michah and Allison so bad that it litteraly hurts to not have them. I hope that when (or if) I finaly marry, I won't have fertility problems. I don't know how I would handle not being alble to have Micha and Allison.

Robin and I have found 3 songs that bring great comfort to us when we miss our future children too much. If you want us to, we can make you a CD of the songs and we will give it to you when we come and see you in August. Let us know if you want the CD. I HOPE and PRAY (and put your name on the Temple prayer roll) that your empty arms will be filled soon. SLY!!!!

Shelly said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have several friends dealing infertility issues, one of them is very close to me. I am witnessing how heartbreaking it is. I think sometimes people try to find the right thing to say when there is no right thing. All we can do is listen and provide a shoulder to our friends/loved ones. Anytime you want to vent, complain, or shed a tear I'll be hear to read it.

Becca said...

I could not agree with this more Nancy. Thanks for posting this. I could not agree with #3 any more. It is so perfect. I always get so angry when people tell me things like that.

I think I may still pieces of this for my blog when I get enough nerve to put it all out there. Your courage really does inspire.

Preemie Miracle said...

Yes Nicky that is chocolate. I feel it is a healthy part of my life :) And yes it is birth control even if we are doing fertility stuff and dealing with infertility, in order to let someone else have complete control of our body we have to have birth control for another 3 weeks and 3 days. ( not that we are counting)

the Lola Letters said...

I love your honesty.
We didn't really have money to adopt and never felt good about it (not because it isn't awesome, but because it wasn't right for us.)

It's so easy to try and problem solve when you have no idea what it feels like.

I really liked that last analogy - it's like you are missing a child. Crazy. You are always in my prayers - constantly!

Megan said...

So glad to have found your blog. We, too, have a micro-premie. Sadie was 500 grams (1lb. 1/2 oz). I look forward to learning more about you and your family!

Praying that God will fill your home with more little feet...and send you many blessings in unexpected ways.

Looking for Blue Sky said...

I really feel for you reading this. I never had to worry about infertility, but I so wanted a third baby, after number 2 arrived at 26 weeks. It was classified as a high-risk pregnancy, but I got to 38 weeks and delivered a healthy baby boy - he has his own issues but no cerebral palsy this time, thank goodness :)

Janet said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this trial. I am thinking about you and you are in my prayers.