Sunday, March 27, 2011

The "Club"

There are lots of "clubs" that come up in life. Some we chose to join and others we don't. Some we belong to and feel welcome and some we just don't.

In High School I didn't fit in with one type of group but my best friend and I had a great time. We were always together. Since growing up, Steph is still a great friend and I talk to her all the time. We are even having a baby together this time!

On my mission I joined a more "elite" club. I became a missionary. Though they are a large group, the amount of Sister's was pretty small. Our mission had about 25 at the largest time. I still have some of those Sister's as friends.

After I got married I joined the married club. I LOVE it. I love being with Dallas. With a marriage comes the sister in law club. That has been a harder adjustment. I joined the mom club soon after and then we added the Welcome to Holland club.

That club has had it's ups and downs but there is always someone who I have found that I have felt comfortable with. Blogging has helped a TON. I have met so many wonderful people. I have tried to contribute to the club by doing the same as what I have been given.

The Holland club was not one that I wanted to sign up for but since I am here I am trying to make the best of it. I am trying really hard to learn and grow and do my best.

I was in a club for several years that I didn't want to join. We were in an infertility club. It was a horrible club. I hated it. But I never thought I would be kicked out of it. I guess I am thankful I am kicked out. I just feel sad because there are some who never get kicked out or that really resent those who WERE members but aren't any more.

The April Ensign ( the April one isn't up yet but will change the link when it does) had a article about Infertility. It was such a great article and really got me thinking about the "club." It got me thinking about how much it changed me. For a long time it made me sad and bitter. In the end, I still had bad "fertility days" but I had decided that I couldn't change it and that I would just have to "get over it." Figuring out that I couldn't change it I had gone on and talked to my doctor about medicine for my cramps that were REALLY bad and I was getting REALLY sick and getting ready for a hysterectomy.

Soon ( like the next afternoon) after the hysterectomy was pretty much planned we found out about Grayson. I was excited, scared and worried. We really did think it was girl but we are so excited about a boy. We realized that it didn't matter what we were having because we had faith that it would be what we needed.

But I had to change first. I had to figure out that in the big picture that Heavenly Father knew what we needed and what I needed. Adoption wasn't for us for several reasons. Like others, it wasn't the right thing for us to do. We had done all we could as far as treatments went. It wasn't all the treatments that were available but it was all we could do for us.

That is a HUGE part of what I learned. I could only do what we could for US. The best quote that I found was given by a person in the ward of a member struggling with infertility. It said " When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith promoting experience. The second is faith perfecting."

The Holland Club reminds me a lot of the above comment. There were main Faith promoting experiences during the time we were in the NICU and since. He wasn't healed and he still has effects from that time. The things we have learned since that time has been perfecting and will continue ( if I let it) perfect us in our life.

I wasn't cured of infertility. If we were to try again we could potentially be in the same boat we are now. There is many a medical explanation for our infertility. In black and white the ability to get pregnant again is not in our favor. But we don't know why we were given a faith promoting experience while others are still being "perfected."

Having been dismissed from the club I can honestly say that my heart goes out to those who are still there. Watching their struggles makes my faith and testimony grow. The bigger picture is not one we know the ending to. But we do know that He does. That He knows perfectly awhile we know imperfectly.

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