Marriage, Divorce, Therapy and Love

When Dallas and I met we met in a THEN unconventional way. Now, 1 in 6 couples met and marry by online dating. Back then ( you know, when Dinosaurs roamed the earth and Orangeville had a pizza shop) it was not common. I didn't even really want to tell people that we met online.

After we were engaged I took him to my home town, Orangeville Utah. It was the first time he had driven to the end of the world. It was also the first time he would met my grandpa. Who didn't understand the whole online dating thing. He did "nicely" ask if Dallas was a serial killer!

The town isn't big. And word spreads super fast and everyone knew we were on our way to marital bliss. A few month later we find out we are expecting Tyler and threw our plans for a loop.

Ty was born 3 months after we were married. We spent our entire married life with me being sick ( We know now I had hyperemesis and that you aren't' suppose to have your head in the toilet every single day for HOURS at a time and that water is suppose to stay down) We also had complications in the pregnancy before we gave birth 3 months early.

Here we are, a newly married couple in the midst of a crisis. Literally.

After Tyler was taken to a different hospital than where I was at we had gone up to visit on a "visitors" pass from Alta but we had to be back in a certain time frame. We got back, I was exhausted and Dallas climbed into my hospital bed with me. He held me for a while. We looked at pictures of Tyler and I tried my luck at pumping... again. After a little bit the charge nurse came in and brought us Juice, cookies and crackers and sat down in my room.

She mentioned that the nurse the night before was so moved by how much Dallas loved me and how much we loved each other that she was in tears that night. The nurse was not LDS but the charge nurse that was talking to us was. She said she knew that we were newly married. She didn't know how long. But she wanted to talk to us about having a special needs child, a sick child and that this will either make or break our marriage.

I made it a secret goal to strive to have it MAKE our marriage.

5 years ago I made that promise to myself that I would MAKE my marriage. That I would work as hard as I could. Did you know that the divorce rate for parents of children with special needs is a STAGGERING 85-90%. That is high!

But I have failed.

We are not getting a divorce ( sorry inlaws ;) ) In fact far from it. But I have still failed at making my marriage the best marriage. I have faults and flaws and they are large. But I am married to someone who lacks those faults and flaws and he is a far better person than I am.

I do not know what it is like to "raise" a child that has no extra needs. I have "raised" my niece for a long time ( I was the best nanny she EVER had) and I know that what I experienced with her 24 hours a day and what I experienced as a mother was very different.

Trials came with Tyler that I don't know if I knew how to handle them. So as a married couple we did the best we could. Somewhere in the last little bit we have had the focus not on our marriage as a couple but mainly the focus on our child. He is/was the center and what he wants/needs he gets. No matter the expense.

In the last few weeks I realized that I refer to myself as we. We are coming to this. Or We have an appointment. Today when I was talking to a Doctor about ME, what I needed, what I expected. I said we. Not me. And she asked, will we be working with 2 people. It was then I realized I don't know me. I know We. And not just WE but a me and Tyler and not a We, Dallas and I.

What happened to Me. ( kinda self centered I know.. but there is a point) With all of the stuff that has been going on and the sadness and heartache and hardships, I feel that somewhere I forget me.

I know I struggle with depression. Some say I struggle with other "personality issues" ( right mom :)) but really I think I sometimes struggle with knowing who I am when times of trial comes full force to my door.

I need to find that Self. The ME, the I. As the journey starts going then I think it will work itself out just a Little bit better.

So tomorrow, I am off to find a little part of me for an hour. And I sure hope the one looking with me is nice.

I feel like I have bloggers block

Have you ever been in that kind of a funk where you are so overwhelmed that you want to write a million things but can't get them all out and even if you did SOOOO many people would think you are not a nice person ( which I generally think I am?)

Oh... you don't feel that way... OPPS.. I am crazy!

Well then, I guess you will all have to wait for all the blogs I wrote while angry, upset and frustrated to be published!

Till then....

A few fun things in the Brown household:

The list of lupron side effects gets longer every day. I am not sure how much longer I can handle them without throwing in the towel and asking that I be all done. Last night while chit chatting with Dallas I was a little "emotional" and the tears were flowing. I noticed that the tears were either flowing MUCH more than I realized or I had the worst runny nose imaginable.

I got up and decided that as it soaked my arm that I needed a tissue.

Yeah. It wasn't boogies and it wasn't tears. My nose had been bleeding. Yep.. not just a little but like GUSHING.. LOTS LOTS. My hands were covered, neck, HAIR, shirt top and face and it was STILL coming. I turned around and looked at Dallas. I think that much blood was a little freaky.

Sad thing.. can't just get it off with a towel so after sitting on the toilet for 15 or so minutes trying to figure out if upright, tipped backwards or packed was the way to go we decided a shower with a packed nose it was.

In the shower it was slowing down but it was STILL running. It was horrible!! Oh and then the puke started. The blood was a little too much and so now it was coming out the mouth. YEP... THANK GOODNESS I was in the shower already.

So after about an hour it stopped. I sat up in bed making sure that it wasn't gonna start again. And off to dream land it was.

In the morning I had a headache and was super dizzy, Dallas let me sleep in and then I slept past the time that I was suppose to be there to get Tyler ready for school but I heard the bus and booked it to get him out the door.

I have really struggled all day. Emotionally I am not doing so hot and am feeling like I am drowning in more ways than one. My body Literally hurts from every joint in my body. I can't handle a few of the things going on around me so I tend to shut down.

I call the pharmacy tomorrow for my next shot. Emotionally I am not sure I can do it another three months. I just don't. But am I ready for the next step either?

P.S. This round I have gotten ever severe side effect. Estrogen supplements have been my friend but I am not thinking they are working ...... :(

I hate endometriosis!

I hate the fertility game.

I feel really alone in the ride.

In the Middle of the Night

With the bus incident this week I have had a HARD week.

Hard.

Not only was MY emotions out of whack but he wasn't feeling well. He had Rotovirus since last week and just hasn't felt well. Thankfully that resolved before sending him back to school on Wednesday.

My emotions, however, were not getting better. But a realization of so many things. A self reflective kind of emotion.

The night after Ty was forgotten on the bus I was awoken with the very distinct memory/dream or thought to say a prayer. I don't know why and I don't know what I was suppose to say a prayer about but given my experience in the past, strange ideas come to you in the night and you better act!

Ty got up soon after that and it was early. We went downstairs and started a movie and got breakfast for him. I laid on the couch and the thought came again. So I acted again.

I was laying on the couch ( I am not kidding.. it was EARLY) and my thought was "Maybe you know how it feels to not hear from your child. Yours was 40 minutes. When was the last time you talked to me."

And the "idea" was shocking.

I pray. But how long as it been since I have really prayed? How long has it been since I realized just how important Tyler is and how many blessing he brings to us. That with the trials he is the ONE thing that is the most important for Dallas and I.

The panic of NOT having Tyler here was more than I can bear. He is the sun and the moon. He is the world to both of us! Never again do I want to feel like my world just got turned upside down. In doing so, I need to remember where I came from and be thankful. And share that thanks.

Give Thanks. Hug the ones I love.

And Tell them often.

I love you.

From not so hot to even yuckier

As you can tell for the month of December it would have been more "fruitful" if we SKIPPED it. Though I know we have had far more serious problems health wise than we have this month, emotionally and "behind the scenes" this month has been high on the stress list.

Christmas has not felt the same this year as it did last year. I felt more prepared for it and felt more Christmasy than this year. There was snow on the ground but my stress felt really through the roof. Most were things that were not contributed to one event just a series of just crappy ones.

So we had Ty's cast week and we were more than ready to send him back to school by Friday. He was SOOO bored at home and he didn't have many visitors so he had the same faces to play with. So I took him to school that week and he has ridden the bus with casts on all week. BUT thanks to Lacey and Jaxson Ty has had a HERO blanket to ride on the bus with. His penguins go with him to Shriner's and on the bus!!

He has gotten around in his feet but because of my horrifically horrible work who can't make up their mind whether to keep us or let us go I had to miss a lot of appointments. While that can be a good thing it also makes for a mom that feels A LOT of guilt and a hubby who ends up working ALL night because he was mom all day.

Monday we had Therapy in which Ty was able to show us that he hates food but will kiss it all but not eat it. But he can share and he pretend played with ice cream and Barney so I guess we will take one or 2 other skills instead of a life sustaining one.

Trying to get him to give back the pretend ice cream was almost the first time I have ever seen him throw a fit over a toy and I even called a learning place to see if they carried them. ( They didn't) So off we went with Crappy Tyler.

Dallas had to take Tyler to the neurosurgeon. This was an appointment that I filled Dallas notes up with questions and things that I usually know and that I usually am the one there for the information. AND as luck would have it.. a CT scan and shunt series was done. That was the only lucky part for me. Ty usually has a FIT if I am there but he did well for his dad ( of course.)

Wednesday was pretty uneventful. We had school, mom worked and that was that. But Ty was suppose to get his casts off but because of the Management at moms work Daddy and mommy had to have it rescheduled. Daddy needed to get some work done while Ty was at school and mommy was working so she couldn't do it. So the appointment was moved to Friday.

Friday came along and I had to sneak out of the house before Ty got home on the bus to make an easier transition with Daddy taking him to get new casts on. They would only do it when there was another therapist to help hold Tyler down and knew that if Dad was coming he was stronger than mom so it was just the "right" thing to do. Again, mommy guilt that consumes me when I am not there with my child was high on the emotional scale and I was not wanting to go to work. Just a really blah day I guess.

As I was walking into work I get a message from my dad that is the message you know something is seriously wrong or that I did something really wrong ( but that hasn't happened since high school) so I call back. Standing in the hosiery section of walmart my dad informs me that he is at my Grandpa's and he is really sorry but that grandpa had died.

My answer: "What? Like Grandpa Rue?" Um I don't HAVE any other grandpa's. What other fabricated grandfatherly figure would he have been referring to. So, surrounded by nylons and other trouser socks I start crying. Knowing that I now have to walk back, clock in and "pretend" that I am even remotely interested in being nice, happy friendly and all those things that every shopper at walmart encounters at the registers with a red splotchy face and tears that flow at any mention of "why is your face red?" ( for the record: faces of people who are saying those things thinking you are just mad at something and you actually say, my dad called and said my grandpa died.... Well the look on their face is priceless.)

Trying to compose myself of the news of his passing is taking longer than the 5 minutes alotted from the time clock to the front so I find myself being ushered outside. Soon after I find my slowly eaten lunch finding that stress pocket in my stomach ( that has been growing and growing for the last 20 days) and exiting the same way it came in. (My thought at the moment : Dang, I was going to eat that.) Consumed by grief that just needed to come out.

The stressors of the month and the death of my grandfather left me pretty much down and out at that point. With feelings of love for my mom and her sisters I wanted to give them all hugs but mostly I wanted my mom to know that she was not alone and that 4 kids stand behind her with the love that they have. ( And in true ME fashion, hoping she knows that she is really NOT an orphan ;) )

The "event" has also gotten me thinking about the legacy of my Grandfather. Something that I have passed on from them or some trait that is his that I see in my surrounding family. Here are some things that I came up with.

• Stubborn STUBBORN man= STUBBORN STUBBORN grandchildren and even MORE stubborn great grandchildren. My miracle is alive because of some grandfathers stubborn trait. For that I will be thankful for ( for the most part) and I am sure that some of my high school teachers would NOT be thankful that I had picked up his stubborn trait.
  
• History. As long as I could remember when an event happened I thought of Grandpa. And thought " Get a newspaper. Or what was happening on that day? He would like a newspaper." He was full of history.
  
• His Stories: One year for Christmas we got A LOT of tapes of Grandpa just telling stories and recordings of my great grandpa. Probably now that he is gone, one of the most priceless gifts given.
• If you don't like it WRITE A LETTER! He is always one that would express his thoughts and words by letter. I think if he was well enough more during this whole internet craze he would have LOVED to have a blog telling all of his thoughts.
  
• Love, support, and sheltering those you love. I always have envisioned him as the one that sheltered in love Grandma Nell and still did with Grandma Carol. He took care of things himself as to not burden, or tax or even sometimes embarrass the ones he loved . I have noticed that trait in ALL of my Aunts and especially my mom. She would rather go with out and shelter us from pain and suffering. Something I am sure she learned from her dad.
  

So, Friday I spent in tears and emotionally trying to gear up for the week we now have ahead. With all the love and emotions tied up in planning a funeral and the feelings that are sure to be had I hope that I can remember why we have family, faith and an understanding of the plan that is in store for us.

So... that is our week... fun one.. We will be going to the Warner party tomorrow night and Shriners hospital on Monday for Cast checks and then heading down to the EC for 2 nights of family and to many emotions!

Do you feel like you are going crazy!?

Have you ever felt super super overwhelmed and emotionally a disaster and crazy!? Yeah that would be me right now.

Ty has been such a *hard* kid the last few days. I don't know how else to put it without others thinking I am complaining or ungrateful in some way. I am very thankful for him and LOVE being a mom but COME ON! Does he really have to whine and cry ALL day. Does he really have to throw temper tantrums and have total meltdowns for no reason. OK there are reasons but it stems back to something I cannot and he cannot control.

Tuesday was probably the worst day in six months. So many things were going on that there was so much stress that he was feeding off of. There was a major meltdown when I picked the wrong thing for lunch. Yeah no kidding! You would have thought I was hurting my child. It was BAD. It continued for most of the afternoon. I pretty much lost it the rest of the evening and my night only got better. *sarcasm noted *

Wednesday Dallas was nice enough to let me sleep in knowing how horrible the night before was. He got Ty off on the bus and I was able to sleep in. It helped tremendously but the whining and crying and tantrums were BACK.

Tonight we had way less whining and crying but we had to finish some birthday shopping and had some really lovely meltdowns especially when trying to get him to decide if I really wanted to spend the money to get him something that I thought he would like. it was bad. But the night ended pretty good.

Tomorrow he has school and we have not much planned. I forget how hard having a child with some "issues" wears on your emotional state. It makes you feel alone and very very lonely. Add that on top of misunderstanding after misunderstanding from those around you and your emotional state is in shambles.

Good deal did break on Speech.... Hopefully we will have a good news post soon. Bad news on his new braces, though he has been wearing them and doing awesome they are leaving some pressure sores on his little feet. So we have to take a break to see if we can get rid of them AND get an appointment at Shriner's.

Life....... it is crazy sometimes.