Infertility Awareness

I LOVE that Tittle. Wanna know why? Because I promise if you have or HAVE had infertility issues you are VERY aware. More so than even I knew until recently.

Tyler was not "tried" for and we were ( and so was our doc) incredibly surprised. I was on birth control and had had several surgeries to fix some endometriosis. So getting pregnant was a HUGE shock to everyone.

( these are the current meds I am taking in order to "increase" our chances of getting pregnant Tonight I am up to 11 pills)

Tyler's pregnancy was really hard. I had bleeding the whole time and had placenta previa. We had six ultrasounds and then had to switch doctors. We needed a doctor closer. She didn't think that I would need extra care because my sister had 2 healthy children with this doctor. We all know the rest of the story. If you don't you can read it here.

I missed MOST of my pregnancy. I had my child RIPPED from my stomach. Literally. He was kept alive by machines. He suffered brain damage and he is almost legally blind. I had JUST started feeling Tyler kick. His dad NEVER felt him kick. We couldn't hold him for 3 weeks. He had heart surgery when he was less than 2 pounds. I pumped. I couldn't make enough milk for him because I had to have reconstructive surgery on my stomach because of my incredibly botched C section. I kept pumping. I got less than 2 ounces from BOTH breasts for 5 months. I pumped EVERY 2 hours.

The roller coaster has lasted for almost 5 years. Though we were not thinking of having another child until recently we had always used protection ( and a lot of it) in order to prevent a pregnancy until we were SURE we were ready and were in complete control of the situation.

In March 2009 we took the plunge and we went to my doctors in Arizona. They sent us to see a perinatologist. The perinatologist took all the information that he could get to give us the BEST case scenario and how we would get there. Best scenario: 34-36 weeks. 36 weeks MAX. Worst case scenario: well it can't get any worse than what we have. Another pregnancy would include, bed rest, cerclage, and weekly shots and LOTS of ultrasounds.

All to get that last trimester. One more try to get what I really want, feel that I should be having, and feel that our life is not complete without that last person. And even have some pretty strong feelings spiritually that we SHOULD have a baby.

A new blogger I found a few weeks ago said gave 3 things that you should NEVER say to a infertile women or a couple going through infertility. I thought they were perfect so I thought I would share.

1. "It will happen in the Lord's time." my interpretation of this might be way off but when someone tells me that after EVERYTHING we have been through with Tyler is that we aren't praying hard enough, aren't good enough or as good and "so and so who was ALSO told by God they should have a baby and BAM got pregnant the next day."

2. "Just adopt! I know so and so who adopted and then she got pregnant right after." Yeah, so do I. But 1) I don't have a desire to adopt. 2) I honestly think it takes a special person to adopt. I am not that person. Especially if there was to be something "wrong" with that child. I would be ( DO NOT JUDGE) one that can blame someone else. I already blame myself for SO much about Tyler. I don't have the heart to want to find fault and I am the first one to admit it is a selfish reason. 3) I want to experience what I had taken away from me. I want to feel like crap the last trimester. I want to have a baby shower PREGNANT. Do all the things I didn't get to do. I want my OWN child. It is NOT for us.

My friend Kelly said this "In addition to this, adoption is a huge decision, and a difficult decision. It takes complete faith and submission to the Lord's will. It is also letting go of your wants as a woman, like feeling your baby kick in your tummy. These desires are sad to let go of. The decision is major and life changing."

3. For the last one I am going to quote her WHOLE statement. She said it better than I ever could . "You need to relax." "Go on vacation." Let me tell you from experience, it is almost impossible to relax when going through infertility. Imagine, if you will, your child going missing for a few hours. There is a huge hole in the pit of your stomach, right? Like you have lost one of the most important things to you. That is what infertility feels like all of the time, like you are missing your child."

Right now, I feel the child missing in the pit of my stomach. I want to hold, love and raise that child. But they are missing.

Finally~ (YEP THE END!) The last year has been VERY hard for me. Especially hard in the last few months. I haven't had a place where I could go to have my feeling heard, understood and verified. BUT, I was able to find an Ali in the war against fertility. My sister in law and my brother have been dealing with infertility for a LONG time. I cannot thank his wife enough for being my support system even when way more is going on for you.

I am so thankful that I had you to go to. And from the bottom of our hearts I HOPE and pray every night that the cycle works for you guys. And I can honestly say, I will be estatic to be an Aunt to those Babies ( or baby.)

Thank you again.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.That sure is a lot.

One of those Days

I got a phone call this morning from a lady I met when I first moved here to Arizona. We started at the Foundation for Blind Children at the same time. Her child was younger than Tyler. This poor women had no idea how to navigate the system. She was grasping for information. It was hard to watch her but at the same time it was interesting to watch her gather information and learn to navigate through the ups and downs. She was also learning to fight with everything she had to get her daughter help.

The phone call was so sad. She finally got a diagnosis for her daughters delays. The diagnosis was so horrifying for her that she couldn't handle it. She was not sure how to handle it. She wanted to blame someone. She was convinced that because of someone else she know "suffers" the consequences. She wanted to know how I handled getting "the diagnosis."

Her daughter was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.

Tyler has a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy.

It really got me thinking. How do or did I deal with the diagnosis?

It took us a long time to get someone to actually say the words. No one sat down with us to tell us that this is what we have and this is what it means and this is what the end result is. No one has done that.

While we know what we have and what we see on paper we don't know the end result. I know that for me it was hard to get the diagnosis. I was expecting it a lot sooner than we got it. Mostly when he didn't start walking. I asked about it alot when we were little and we never got anything. When he didn't walk I knew. But in the end I thought the diagnosis would change something.

It changed nothing.

I can't blame myself for it. There is no doctor stepping up and saying that they did this. There is no one that created this and we just happened to have to learn to deal with it.

It didn't change anything. My son is still Tyler. He is not the little boy with CP, he is Tyler the little boy who is walking when he wasn't suppose to. He is the little boy who is funny and cute and gives great hugs, oh and he has Cerebral Palsy. It is not who he is .. He is him. CP is just a part of him.

In the next few months we are embarking on the journey to help us rehabilitate Tyler and make him be the best Tyler he can be.

I didn't know what to say to that mom when she asked if I was angry. I am not angry. I am not angry because I knew that this was Tyler and CP was secondary, Tyler is the ONLY person who can beat this. He is the only person who is going to tell us what the outcome will be.

This......This is what inspires me. It makes me wonder what Tyler will do to become THAT. What will he long to do.