Monday, January 24, 2011

Faith in the future

I haven't been blogging much. I have found I have no energy for it. There are so many things I have to blog about and probably 11 entries that haven't been ready for publish. They just don't work out JUST right.

I recently had a conversation with Dallas about how much our life has changed in just 13 short weeks. For 2 years we struggled with the inability to have a baby. It caused heartache, loneliness, sadness and a personal feeling of failure. I felt like my worth as a women was pretty much ZILCH because I was unable to do just what my body was meant to do. Have children.

The feeling wasn't just because of my inability to get pregnant. I had the guilt from the time I had Tyler and my body failed to keep him safe. The feeling of failure and guilt consumed much of my thoughts for the first few months of his life.

The desire to have a baby and the inability to get pregnant were so hard. They were all consuming. I was devastated ever single month. The constant reminders around me made my feelings of sadness even deeper.

When November came, I had made the decision that I was to sick to keep doing this and that I either had to make up my mind to have a hysterectomy and give up any hope of EVER having another child or just put that hope on hold we found out we were going to have a baby.

When we found out I was so excited to share the news with someone who I knew would understand and was also going through infertility as well. It didn't turn out like I thought it would and have since lost someone I felt was a great support and friend. I thought having a baby would fix the feelings that I have been having for YEARS.

Being pregnant didn't change some of those feelings. I obviously, no longer had the constant reminders that I was infertile or that we weren't pregnant. We changed those for morning sickness and nervous anxiety of worrying for the safety and begging for my body to do its job. It didn't change the fact that I lost loved ones over the discovery of adding a new life. It didn't erase my guilt of not being able to keep Tyler safe and it has left me with worry that I might not have good results and that I MIGHT just have to prepare for the worst.

We were seen quickly at our Doctors and we were sent to a high risk doctor as soon as possible to allow us the best outcome possible. But in the middle of the appointment there was those feelings, stronger than ever. The tears started flowing.

I have a lot of things to process with a new one coming. I feel sad for those on the other side of the coin. Those that long and cry for another baby. I feel sad and I feel like I belong over there because I "get it." But I no longer am part of the club. I feel bad that each time I have gotten pregnant it has been a source of anger and hatred. I never wanted my kids to be a source of any ones pain. Then I have to face the deep down scars that I thought were all better.

I worry that if it is a boy, will I feel that I am replacing a "broken" one. Or that I will love one over the other. Then the guilt for caring what we are having and not just being glad to get a baby and a prayer for a healthy one.
There are so many what ifs and feelings of sadness, happiness and joy all mixed into one bowl.

I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father has allowed us this last chance to be parents. That He is blessing us with a child that is SO wanted and so needed. I am thankful He has remembered me and my feelings and has given us this chance. It is a chance that is making me rely on faith so that I can look to the future with hope and excitement. I am also thankful that I have had the chance to experience heartache so I can have empathy for those who are still struggling with infertility. I am also thankful that there were people who were willing to listen and go through the struggle with me and I hope they have the best of luck and their prayers answered soon.

The best is yet to be. The future, if filled with faith, will get us through the hard times to come. It is OK to cry but to keep on going.

Faith.. Faith in what the future holds.


singedwingangel said...

AWw sweetie you are feeling what so many other mom's and wanna be mom's have felt and it is absolutely normal. We get trained as young girls that giving life to another is the most important thing we can do. When our bodies for whatever reason have issues doing it or we simply cannot get pregnant we consistently look for what's wrong with us. But you also have seen a miracle. Of course you will love your children different. Not one more then the other but different because they are different people and each will do something that is not the same as the other. One will be a musician while the other might be an artist. Regardless neither will ever doubt your love for them.

Amelia said...

Wow, Nancy, this was SO well-written! I experience some of the same, or similar, emotions as we prepare and hope and dream of another child for our family too. Some things I have been able to let go of, like the anger at my body for not being able to conceive (the pain, no, but anger, yes.) Some are still right there so close to the surface. Some I thought I was past until they hit me full in the face, triggered unexpectedly by some small act or thought.

In all, I know we're on the right path. Faith will see us both through.

Beth schell said...

Oh Nancy! I am thrilled for y'all! This is so exciting and I am grateful you feel so willing to share your challenges and feelings with us. Speaking from my experience with three children, I love them all individually. They are alike in many ways, but so unique too. Nancy, you have an amazing capacity to love, and Heavenly Father will only continue to expand that with this new and precious child. I am so happy for you and grateful that you are getting good medical care. Congratulations to Ty and Dallas too! How exciting and overwhelming all at the same time! I wish I were there to give you an enormous hug!