I haven't been blogging much. I have found I have no energy for it. There are so many things I have to blog about and probably 11 entries that haven't been ready for publish. They just don't work out JUST right.
I recently had a conversation with Dallas about how much our life has changed in just 13 short weeks. For 2 years we struggled with the inability to have a baby. It caused heartache, loneliness, sadness and a personal feeling of failure. I felt like my worth as a women was pretty much ZILCH because I was unable to do just what my body was meant to do. Have children.
The feeling wasn't just because of my inability to get pregnant. I had the guilt from the time I had Tyler and my body failed to keep him safe. The feeling of failure and guilt consumed much of my thoughts for the first few months of his life.
The desire to have a baby and the inability to get pregnant were so hard. They were all consuming. I was devastated ever single month. The constant reminders around me made my feelings of sadness even deeper.
When November came, I had made the decision that I was to sick to keep doing this and that I either had to make up my mind to have a hysterectomy and give up any hope of EVER having another child or just put that hope on hold we found out we were going to have a baby.
When we found out I was so excited to share the news with someone who I knew would understand and was also going through infertility as well. It didn't turn out like I thought it would and have since lost someone I felt was a great support and friend. I thought having a baby would fix the feelings that I have been having for YEARS.
Being pregnant didn't change some of those feelings. I obviously, no longer had the constant reminders that I was infertile or that we weren't pregnant. We changed those for morning sickness and nervous anxiety of worrying for the safety and begging for my body to do its job. It didn't change the fact that I lost loved ones over the discovery of adding a new life. It didn't erase my guilt of not being able to keep Tyler safe and it has left me with worry that I might not have good results and that I MIGHT just have to prepare for the worst.
We were seen quickly at our Doctors and we were sent to a high risk doctor as soon as possible to allow us the best outcome possible. But in the middle of the appointment there was those feelings, stronger than ever. The tears started flowing.
I have a lot of things to process with a new one coming. I feel sad for those on the other side of the coin. Those that long and cry for another baby. I feel sad and I feel like I belong over there because I "get it." But I no longer am part of the club. I feel bad that each time I have gotten pregnant it has been a source of anger and hatred. I never wanted my kids to be a source of any ones pain. Then I have to face the deep down scars that I thought were all better.
I worry that if it is a boy, will I feel that I am replacing a "broken" one. Or that I will love one over the other. Then the guilt for caring what we are having and not just being glad to get a baby and a prayer for a healthy one.
There are so many what ifs and feelings of sadness, happiness and joy all mixed into one bowl.
I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father has allowed us this last chance to be parents. That He is blessing us with a child that is SO wanted and so needed. I am thankful He has remembered me and my feelings and has given us this chance. It is a chance that is making me rely on faith so that I can look to the future with hope and excitement. I am also thankful that I have had the chance to experience heartache so I can have empathy for those who are still struggling with infertility. I am also thankful that there were people who were willing to listen and go through the struggle with me and I hope they have the best of luck and their prayers answered soon.
The best is yet to be. The future, if filled with faith, will get us through the hard times to come. It is OK to cry but to keep on going.
Faith.. Faith in what the future holds.