This thought has been on my mind since we had our OB appointment on Monday. Though things look OK NOW I have a hard time thinking about the future. A hard time accepting that it could all quite possibly work out amazingly well with no glitches.
Instead I find myself afraid to wish for that baby to be able to room in with me where I can lay in bed, nurse and be alone with my new baby. I am afraid because if I think that, and it doesn't happen those shattered dreams from 5 years ago will be right there to haunt me.
I don't know if I should be dreaming of nights in the NICU, or nights up at home. I don't know if I should be dreaming of dance recitals and basketball or walking through a wheelchair shop. To not dream big makes me feel like I am setting it all up to be a failure, but the reality of "what could have been" is so different than reality.
We know we will be taking so many precautions. We will be seeing a specialist. We will get extra ultrasounds on kidneys, brains and a fetal echo. We will be cautiously put on bed rest when needed and we will do all that is asked to get a baby here healthy. It is just one of those things where my heart and mind long and ache to be healed. Ache to not put my baby through suffering. Ache to have my peace of mind in my arms.