Thursday, December 16, 2010

Afraid to look to the future

This thought has been on my mind since we had our OB appointment on Monday. Though things look OK NOW I have a hard time thinking about the future. A hard time accepting that it could all quite possibly work out amazingly well with no glitches.

Instead I find myself afraid to wish for that baby to be able to room in with me where I can lay in bed, nurse and be alone with my new baby. I am afraid because if I think that, and it doesn't happen those shattered dreams from 5 years ago will be right there to haunt me.

I don't know if I should be dreaming of nights in the NICU, or nights up at home. I don't know if I should be dreaming of dance recitals and basketball or walking through a wheelchair shop. To not dream big makes me feel like I am setting it all up to be a failure, but the reality of "what could have been" is so different than reality.

We know we will be taking so many precautions. We will be seeing a specialist. We will get extra ultrasounds on kidneys, brains and a fetal echo. We will be cautiously put on bed rest when needed and we will do all that is asked to get a baby here healthy. It is just one of those things where my heart and mind long and ache to be healed. Ache to not put my baby through suffering. Ache to have my peace of mind in my arms.


Cynthia said...

I can't believe I missed the BIG announcement! Congratulations! As you know, my preemies were 29 weekers. However, my next pregnancy went perfectly and almost to 39 weeks. Each pregnancy is different and this time they have the knowledge they need to keep that baby inside as long as possible. I will certainly pray for an uneventful pregnancy for you- you deserve it!

My little sister is pregnant and due around the same time as you. She just found out it's twins! I am SO glad she was on her mission during my twin pregnancy so she missed the drama. It would freak her out VERY badly if she knew how rough my pg was. I won't be telling her either! Just making sure to do all I can to ensure she gets the best care.

I know it's hard to believe and hope when you've been hurt before but ultimately it will be healthier for you AND the baby if you can. I'm so excited for you guys!

Hilary said...

I find it's great to just enjoy where you're at. I'm learning that with child #3, I enjoyed not having her, I enjoyed being pregnant with her (mostly) and I'm trying to savor each little stage now.
No need to dream, when what you have is so amazing right now. :)
BTW, this is something I just TRY to do, doesn't mean I always DO it. :)