Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Marriage, Divorce, Therapy and Love

When Dallas and I met we met in a THEN unconventional way. Now, 1 in 6 couples met and marry by online dating. Back then ( you know, when Dinosaurs roamed the earth and Orangeville had a pizza shop) it was not common. I didn't even really want to tell people that we met online.

After we were engaged I took him to my home town, Orangeville Utah. It was the first time he had driven to the end of the world. It was also the first time he would met my grandpa. Who didn't understand the whole online dating thing. He did "nicely" ask if Dallas was a serial killer!

The town isn't big. And word spreads super fast and everyone knew we were on our way to marital bliss. A few month later we find out we are expecting Tyler and threw our plans for a loop.

Ty was born 3 months after we were married. We spent our entire married life with me being sick ( We know now I had hyperemesis and that you aren't' suppose to have your head in the toilet every single day for HOURS at a time and that water is suppose to stay down) We also had complications in the pregnancy before we gave birth 3 months early.

Here we are, a newly married couple in the midst of a crisis. Literally.

After Tyler was taken to a different hospital than where I was at we had gone up to visit on a "visitors" pass from Alta but we had to be back in a certain time frame. We got back, I was exhausted and Dallas climbed into my hospital bed with me. He held me for a while. We looked at pictures of Tyler and I tried my luck at pumping... again. After a little bit the charge nurse came in and brought us Juice, cookies and crackers and sat down in my room.

She mentioned that the nurse the night before was so moved by how much Dallas loved me and how much we loved each other that she was in tears that night. The nurse was not LDS but the charge nurse that was talking to us was. She said she knew that we were newly married. She didn't know how long. But she wanted to talk to us about having a special needs child, a sick child and that this will either make or break our marriage.

I made it a secret goal to strive to have it MAKE our marriage.

5 years ago I made that promise to myself that I would MAKE my marriage. That I would work as hard as I could. Did you know that the divorce rate for parents of children with special needs is a STAGGERING 85-90%. That is high!

But I have failed.

We are not getting a divorce ( sorry inlaws ;) ) In fact far from it. But I have still failed at making my marriage the best marriage. I have faults and flaws and they are large. But I am married to someone who lacks those faults and flaws and he is a far better person than I am.

I do not know what it is like to "raise" a child that has no extra needs. I have "raised" my niece for a long time ( I was the best nanny she EVER had) and I know that what I experienced with her 24 hours a day and what I experienced as a mother was very different.

Trials came with Tyler that I don't know if I knew how to handle them. So as a married couple we did the best we could. Somewhere in the last little bit we have had the focus not on our marriage as a couple but mainly the focus on our child. He is/was the center and what he wants/needs he gets. No matter the expense.

In the last few weeks I realized that I refer to myself as we. We are coming to this. Or We have an appointment. Today when I was talking to a Doctor about ME, what I needed, what I expected. I said we. Not me. And she asked, will we be working with 2 people. It was then I realized I don't know me. I know We. And not just WE but a me and Tyler and not a We, Dallas and I.

What happened to Me. ( kinda self centered I know.. but there is a point) With all of the stuff that has been going on and the sadness and heartache and hardships, I feel that somewhere I forget me.

I know I struggle with depression. Some say I struggle with other "personality issues" ( right mom :)) but really I think I sometimes struggle with knowing who I am when times of trial comes full force to my door.

I need to find that Self. The ME, the I. As the journey starts going then I think it will work itself out just a Little bit better.

So tomorrow, I am off to find a little part of me for an hour. And I sure hope the one looking with me is nice.


Rochelle said...

Well said, I totally know how you feel!! Take some time for YOU !!

lemon twigs said...

Thank you for that post. You've been through a lot and sharing helps others who have been through a lot. For me, and I'm not sure why, I gather tons of strength from knowing that I'm not the only one wading chest deep in crap. I'm proud of you for "making" your marriage this far. We're still hanging in also and I tell you that we've been in "crisis mode" from day 1. I look at other "normal" couples and wonder where the heck I went wrong. How on EARTH was I dealt SO much and others got to wory about their schedules, school and sports. I know it sounds really terrible, but you have no idea how much comfort I find in this post. Thank you for sharing your "crap". I feel less alone in mine tonight.

Jenn said...

The one thing I learned after my divorce was that I totally forgot who Jennifer was. I pushed her aside and she went into hiding for a long time. It is EXTREMELY important for you to find Nancy. It is very important that you find something that YOU love.

It is also important that Dallas do "nancy" things and you do "dallas" things. This allows you to better come to know the other person.

You are so strong and have so much love and faith in your heart. I know your going to find Nancy again.


Shannon said...

Wow - I have had almost this same post swirling around in my head lately. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I hope today goes well for you.

Amelia said...

I can totally relate, and had almost the same conversation with my therapist. We as mothers, and especially LDS mothers, are taught to serve our families and others around us, and there are so many expectations of perfection in SOO-OOO many areas that it's hard to not entirely give up oneself for the sake of others. But two things I'm working on: one) as you said, finding myself, and making time for myself, and two) coming to terms with mediocrity. It sounds like a bad thing, but with the crap that we're sometimes dealt, if we do what we see as a mediocre job of dealing with it, that means it hasn't defeated us. And I'm shooting for the stars, in some aspects of my life I'm shooting for average. And Average is ok.