Sunday, December 20, 2009

From not so hot to even yuckier

As you can tell for the month of December it would have been more "fruitful" if we SKIPPED it. Though I know we have had far more serious problems health wise than we have this month, emotionally and "behind the scenes" this month has been high on the stress list.

Christmas has not felt the same this year as it did last year. I felt more prepared for it and felt more Christmasy than this year. There was snow on the ground but my stress felt really through the roof. Most were things that were not contributed to one event just a series of just crappy ones.

So we had Ty's cast week and we were more than ready to send him back to school by Friday. He was SOOO bored at home and he didn't have many visitors so he had the same faces to play with. So I took him to school that week and he has ridden the bus with casts on all week. BUT thanks to Lacey and Jaxson Ty has had a HERO blanket to ride on the bus with. His penguins go with him to Shriner's and on the bus!!

He has gotten around in his feet but because of my horrifically horrible work who can't make up their mind whether to keep us or let us go I had to miss a lot of appointments. While that can be a good thing it also makes for a mom that feels A LOT of guilt and a hubby who ends up working ALL night because he was mom all day.

Monday we had Therapy in which Ty was able to show us that he hates food but will kiss it all but not eat it. But he can share and he pretend played with ice cream and Barney so I guess we will take one or 2 other skills instead of a life sustaining one.

Trying to get him to give back the pretend ice cream was almost the first time I have ever seen him throw a fit over a toy and I even called a learning place to see if they carried them. ( They didn't) So off we went with Crappy Tyler.

Dallas had to take Tyler to the neurosurgeon. This was an appointment that I filled Dallas notes up with questions and things that I usually know and that I usually am the one there for the information. AND as luck would have it.. a CT scan and shunt series was done. That was the only lucky part for me. Ty usually has a FIT if I am there but he did well for his dad ( of course.)

Wednesday was pretty uneventful. We had school, mom worked and that was that. But Ty was suppose to get his casts off but because of the Management at moms work Daddy and mommy had to have it rescheduled. Daddy needed to get some work done while Ty was at school and mommy was working so she couldn't do it. So the appointment was moved to Friday.

Friday came along and I had to sneak out of the house before Ty got home on the bus to make an easier transition with Daddy taking him to get new casts on. They would only do it when there was another therapist to help hold Tyler down and knew that if Dad was coming he was stronger than mom so it was just the "right" thing to do. Again, mommy guilt that consumes me when I am not there with my child was high on the emotional scale and I was not wanting to go to work. Just a really blah day I guess.

As I was walking into work I get a message from my dad that is the message you know something is seriously wrong or that I did something really wrong ( but that hasn't happened since high school) so I call back. Standing in the hosiery section of walmart my dad informs me that he is at my Grandpa's and he is really sorry but that grandpa had died.

My answer: "What? Like Grandpa Rue?" Um I don't HAVE any other grandpa's. What other fabricated grandfatherly figure would he have been referring to. So, surrounded by nylons and other trouser socks I start crying. Knowing that I now have to walk back, clock in and "pretend" that I am even remotely interested in being nice, happy friendly and all those things that every shopper at walmart encounters at the registers with a red splotchy face and tears that flow at any mention of "why is your face red?" ( for the record: faces of people who are saying those things thinking you are just mad at something and you actually say, my dad called and said my grandpa died.... Well the look on their face is priceless.)

Trying to compose myself of the news of his passing is taking longer than the 5 minutes alotted from the time clock to the front so I find myself being ushered outside. Soon after I find my slowly eaten lunch finding that stress pocket in my stomach ( that has been growing and growing for the last 20 days) and exiting the same way it came in. (My thought at the moment : Dang, I was going to eat that.) Consumed by grief that just needed to come out.

The stressors of the month and the death of my grandfather left me pretty much down and out at that point. With feelings of love for my mom and her sisters I wanted to give them all hugs but mostly I wanted my mom to know that she was not alone and that 4 kids stand behind her with the love that they have. ( And in true ME fashion, hoping she knows that she is really NOT an orphan ;) )

The "event" has also gotten me thinking about the legacy of my Grandfather. Something that I have passed on from them or some trait that is his that I see in my surrounding family. Here are some things that I came up with.

  • Stubborn STUBBORN man= STUBBORN STUBBORN grandchildren and even MORE stubborn great grandchildren. My miracle is alive because of some grandfathers stubborn trait. For that I will be thankful for ( for the most part) and I am sure that some of my high school teachers would NOT be thankful that I had picked up his stubborn trait.
  • History. As long as I could remember when an event happened I thought of Grandpa. And thought " Get a newspaper. Or what was happening on that day? He would like a newspaper." He was full of history.
  • His Stories: One year for Christmas we got A LOT of tapes of Grandpa just telling stories and recordings of my great grandpa. Probably now that he is gone, one of the most priceless gifts given.
  • If you don't like it WRITE A LETTER! He is always one that would express his thoughts and words by letter. I think if he was well enough more during this whole internet craze he would have LOVED to have a blog telling all of his thoughts.
  • Love, support, and sheltering those you love. I always have envisioned him as the one that sheltered in love Grandma Nell and still did with Grandma Carol. He took care of things himself as to not burden, or tax or even sometimes embarrass the ones he loved . I have noticed that trait in ALL of my Aunts and especially my mom. She would rather go with out and shelter us from pain and suffering. Something I am sure she learned from her dad.
So, Friday I spent in tears and emotionally trying to gear up for the week we now have ahead. With all the love and emotions tied up in planning a funeral and the feelings that are sure to be had I hope that I can remember why we have family, faith and an understanding of the plan that is in store for us.

So... that is our week... fun one.. We will be going to the Warner party tomorrow night and Shriners hospital on Monday for Cast checks and then heading down to the EC for 2 nights of family and to many emotions!

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