Fertile in our Faith

Right after I had Grayson Ty and I needed to get out of the house and I was itching for a good church book to read. I haven't had the desire to read any kind of church book for a LONG time. I had wanted to get a different book but was looking around the store and found this one.

Fertile in Our Faith is written by Krista Ralston Oakes. It felt strange buying a book on dealing with infertility with a brand new baby on my arm, but I did and I really felt like I needed to read it. By the first chapter I was in tears.

Though I do have a baby and I had a wonderful pregnancy and such a different experience there is still some sadness. The sadness is hard to put my finger on. Grayson and his birth and pregnancy truly gave me some closure and healed some things that were really hard. But I think realizing that there is not going to be, more for many reasons, and what we had to deal with before getting Grayson is still raw. Those feelings, I really think are only understood by those going through infertility, pregnancy loss or something similar. I must add, I feel like a pregnancy loss, though not through a death or miscarriage or still birth, having a preemie and a pretty much full term pregnancy, I can tell you I had a pregnancy loss.

So many things stuck out in this book so I am sure there will be a few blogs about it. The first chapter explained fertility or lack of fertility. And then touched on a few things about and answered some questions about how you can feel like a failure in a church that focuses on family.

One chapter really hit home. It was being thankful for what you have had and not what you lost. To focus on a different aspect of it. A favorite thought was when you hold a child never be the first to release, always wait. Wait for the child to stop the hug. Then you know they got what they needed. They likened that to fertility and loss. That is where it got me thinking. Do I really wait to release the hug? When it comes to Tyler I do. But I wasn't with Grayson. Because our experience was so different I feel that Grayson is stronger in so many ways. That he doesn't need me as much and that I don't have to fight so hard to keep him here. I just had to fight to GET him here.

Then on a sad night a few weeks ago, when I wasn't feeling very good about myself and was feeling sad and unwanted, I realized that they both need me to wait. To not let go of the hug. That not only would it help me, but would help them. That it would heal.

The last few weeks I have longed for getting back to church, feeling so many things that I know are right. But for showing my Heavenly Father that I am very thankful for the boys. For being able to get through a hard time. In hopes that I learned what I needed that I was able to have Grayson and in turn realize just how much I needed him.

Every day, when I get a hug, I think I will wait. Wait just a little longer and let them let go. My Heavenly Father waits......

Tyler the Big Brother

Ty is doing so much better with Grayson. He has finally decided he isn't such a bad kid after all. We got him to sit by him in his Mickey Mouse Chair. It didn't last very long but it was better than the nothing we had had before.

A few nights ago we tricked him into holding him. Up until that point he would always tell us no. We asked if he would sing a song to him. We then just kinda put the kid in his arms and as soon as the song was over he totally threw Grayson towards his dad.

Tyler does really well just being around Grayson but doing things WITH him is pretty much non existent. We have tried to give Tyler his space and his own time. We do his night routine with just him ( if possible) and we put him in bed alone.

Last night while we were getting ready for bed we added Grayson and his bath to the mix. Tyler stood at the sink washing his hair and his body. He LOVED it. Then we put clean Jammie's on both of them and they hung out in our bed.

I think that as time goes on they might actually like each other. I know D and I both love them.

Do you miss pictures?

Well so do I!! A few weeks ago I managed to TOTALLY and fully wipe off my entire hard-drive. Dallas had to reinstall EVERYTHING and then it totally crashed like 2 days later. I have just left it sitting on his desk after I pretty much crashed it and haven't even tried to log in. I have lost all of my photos. ALL OF THEM. I lost all the photos of other people to but I did manage to take off a bunch of peoples BEFORE that.

Any rate, I get to use the macbook of D's and it has NOTHING on it. No iphoto, no blogs, no nothing. It's like a fresh clean slate that I can make a mess of and ruin. But it also means I have no lightroom and no way to download photos without take my lazy bum downstairs. In turn I haven't really gotten my camera out and use my iphone a lot so D can get pictures of our adventures. No blog photos either. ( maybe if Nicky took some she would either post them on HER blog or send them to me.)

But since we are full of unicorns and glitter I will just have to make do with witty words and fancy pants blogging stories.

Here is the unicorns and glitter story for the night.

Ty says prayers a lot in this house. We have always had to help him. The last few weeks he hasn't needed much help. Today, was a no help prayer day.

The dinner prayer went like this.

t: dear hedenly fader fhank you for da day. Fhank you for the food. Fahnk you for handy manny big construction job. pwease bwess the food. To grow big and strong, bwess the tywer for making it and da mom-e. in da name of Sheeshs ( jesus) cwrist Amen.

The fixed version: Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for the day. Thank you for the food. Thank you for handy manny construction job. Please bless the food so we can grow big and strong. Bless Tyler for making it and the mommy. In the name of Jesus Christ AMEN.

Then the night time prayer.

T: dear Hedenly Fader. Fhank you for da day. Fhank you for Mickey Mouse. Fwank you for the dadd-e, fhwank you for the mom-e. fhank you for the baby. Pwease bwess the baby that it will grow big and strong. Pwease bwess the Tywer that he can cheach da baby how to pway soon. We ashk vees fwhings in the name of sheeshas Christ Amen.

The fixed version: Dear Heavenly Father. Thank you for the day. Thank you for Mickey Mouse. thank you for the daddy. Thank you for the mommy. Thank you for the baby. Please bless the baby that it will grow big and strong. Please bless the Tyler that he can TEACH the baby how to play soon. We ask these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

A huge smile spread across his face cause he can do it all by himself. We kissed him and he told us goodnight and THANK GOODNESS we have heard not even a peep tonight.

Our adventures with Grandma and Grandpa will continue tomorrow.