Fertile in our Faith

Right after I had Grayson Ty and I needed to get out of the house and I was itching for a good church book to read. I haven't had the desire to read any kind of church book for a LONG time. I had wanted to get a different book but was looking around the store and found this one.

Fertile in Our Faith is written by Krista Ralston Oakes. It felt strange buying a book on dealing with infertility with a brand new baby on my arm, but I did and I really felt like I needed to read it. By the first chapter I was in tears.

Though I do have a baby and I had a wonderful pregnancy and such a different experience there is still some sadness. The sadness is hard to put my finger on. Grayson and his birth and pregnancy truly gave me some closure and healed some things that were really hard. But I think realizing that there is not going to be, more for many reasons, and what we had to deal with before getting Grayson is still raw. Those feelings, I really think are only understood by those going through infertility, pregnancy loss or something similar. I must add, I feel like a pregnancy loss, though not through a death or miscarriage or still birth, having a preemie and a pretty much full term pregnancy, I can tell you I had a pregnancy loss.

So many things stuck out in this book so I am sure there will be a few blogs about it. The first chapter explained fertility or lack of fertility. And then touched on a few things about and answered some questions about how you can feel like a failure in a church that focuses on family.

One chapter really hit home. It was being thankful for what you have had and not what you lost. To focus on a different aspect of it. A favorite thought was when you hold a child never be the first to release, always wait. Wait for the child to stop the hug. Then you know they got what they needed. They likened that to fertility and loss. That is where it got me thinking. Do I really wait to release the hug? When it comes to Tyler I do. But I wasn't with Grayson. Because our experience was so different I feel that Grayson is stronger in so many ways. That he doesn't need me as much and that I don't have to fight so hard to keep him here. I just had to fight to GET him here.

Then on a sad night a few weeks ago, when I wasn't feeling very good about myself and was feeling sad and unwanted, I realized that they both need me to wait. To not let go of the hug. That not only would it help me, but would help them. That it would heal.

The last few weeks I have longed for getting back to church, feeling so many things that I know are right. But for showing my Heavenly Father that I am very thankful for the boys. For being able to get through a hard time. In hopes that I learned what I needed that I was able to have Grayson and in turn realize just how much I needed him.

Every day, when I get a hug, I think I will wait. Wait just a little longer and let them let go. My Heavenly Father waits......

Preemie Brain "Washing"

This is NOT about Tyler and a really nice bath, but about a study that has been sitting on my Firefox explorer for several days. I seem to keep coming back to it and reading, and re-reading. I am not sure if that is because I think it is a good idea. Or maybe it is because it is one of the first "new" things that has come up for severe brain bleeds. (There was something about Epsom salt AKA magnesium sulfate. This is the first "treatment" after they have already happened.)

The treatment/study was done in Bristol England. When a premature baby was shown by repeated ultrasound scans to have had a large hemorrhage ( from what I can see in several reports, the bleeds were of grade 3 and 4 and resulted in hydrocephalus or at least swelling and pressure KNOWN as hydrocephalus) and then expanded ventricles, the baby was anaesthetised and two tubes were inserted into the ventricles in the brain. One tube was used to continuously drain out the cola-colored fluid while the other tube was used to let clear fluid flow in. The pressure in the brain was measured continuously and more fluid was drained out than flowed in so the brain slowly decompressed. When the fluid draining out cleared, the two tubes were removed. This took on average three days.

From 2003 to 2006, 77 premature babies with large brain hemorrhages in Bristol, Glasgow, Katowice (Poland) and Bergen (Norway) were recruited. Thirty-nine babies had the ventricles washed out using the Drainage, Irrigation and Fibrinolytic Therapy (DRIFT) and 38 had standard treatment.

When they were two years old, independent assessors examined all the survivors. Of 39 infants assigned to being washed out, 21 (54 per cent) died or were severely disabled versus 27 of 38 (71 per cent) in the standard group. Amongst the survivors, 11 of 35 (31 per cent) in the DRIFT group had severe cognitive disability versus 19 of 32 (59 percent) in the standard group. Median Mental Development Index was 68 (out of 100) in the washout group, and below 50 with standard care. These results are statistically and clinically significant. ( Study Found HERE!)

So these are my thoughts. I hope that they do find something that will help their little brains. They are so fragile. They have so much against them when they are fighting for the right to get big that having brain damage makes things twice as hard to overcome the stuff that comes down the road.

There is no "cure" for brain damage. There is no cure for the seizure that come from their broken wires in their brain. If there was something that they could do to help why not try?

The study didn't show any major downfalls. It didn't seem to be detrimental to them in any way. I would opt to have had it tried on my child. I think clinical trials such as the above could only HELP.

What are you thoughts? Is the study something they should bring the the United States?

The weekend

My weekend seemed to start way early. I had a wonderful birthday week and loved all the cards and the well wishes.

Friday afternoon I had dinner with me new bestest friend in Arizona at a place called Oreganos. It was pretty yummy and the cookie/ice cream pizza was fabulous. I also had the day off from being "mom" and spent it at lunch, lounging, making phone calls and napping. ( and also missing Bubba). Later that night Dallas was the "caregiver" of the bunch and took care of Tyler while I went on a girls night out with my friends. Holy crap what a RIOT!! We had so much fun. I laughed so freaking hard and had a wonderful time. I think we will be doing it again on the next birthday.

Saturday I tried so hard to let Dallas sleep in but he was having a insomnia night. We both decided that we needed to pick up and clean the front yard. So we fixed Ty a sandwich, put on shoes and we went out and cleaned up the yard. Ty had a blast throwing rocks, pulling weeds and helping us put the trash away. He was so freaking cute. ( and don't worry, that bucket .. was picked up later but that is Tornado Tyler for ya!!)

We cleaned the house from top to bottom, vacuumed and cleaned some toilets and headed off to dinner. I left and headed to work for the evening and Dallas took Ty home.

Sunday was a pretty laid back and calm day. I had to work this morning ( which I hate working on sunday's) but I starte the day off listening to my MoTab and some church music and came home to spend the rest of the night with the boys.

I just wanted to add one or two thoughts. I am so thankful for the oppourtunity to raise Tyler and to have Dallas in my life. Both of which I am forever greatful. I can't imagine my live with out them or with it any different. I know that I have bad days and good days and sometimes life gets hard. But I love them both very much.

Anyway, that is us!!

My heart is so full!!

I wish I could describe to you just how happy I have been the last few weeks and months. There are so many things that makes my day and my world. I listed a few yesterday but there are so many more.

Today I sent Dallas out to "go get lost" in the city. Just drive. Clear his head. Figure things out. Be alone.. ya know. The stuf you want to do when you feel BLAH....He ended up in Pheonix and then on his way home stopped for sushi and found a place to shop. He bought lots of very THOUGHTFUL things. He bought a few toys for Tyler ( including a Barney singing set and a new baby Einstein.) Harry Potter for me and a few things things for him. It was so thoughtful. Especially the toys.

During the week I wasn't feeling to well and Ty had his new OT come over. She is going to be amazing. I can tell allready. She was helping us with some sensory issues that Ty has. Dallas has become VERY interested in helping us work on these things. It is an interest that I am not sure I have seen in him in a long time. ( Don't get me wrong.. he is interested in Tyler but the therapy has usually been my thing) Although Ty didn't jump for joy for one of the toys I am glad he liked the playdoh and can't wait to try the other things on Sunday.

Life tends to play games with our emotions. Dallas has had some pretty down days and I am glad he is finally getting back to himself. I have had some pretty down days but have realized that NOTHING changes. Life goes on and we can be happy or we can be sad.

With this new realization I have really started to enjoy watching Tyler try so many new things. He is such a busy body. He is such an amazing kid. Everyone deserves to have a child with special needs... JUST so they can feel of the Spirit. That EXTRA something that they bring. ( NO one deserves the heartache that comes with it.. but those extra something... Its amazing)

I have loved and been so grateful for my realtionship with my sisters. Tammy has changed a lot. I told her the other day that I thought she use to be bossy and it was good to see her finally start standing up for herself. Nicky is so sweet to be willing to take my baby whenever she could. She longs for the kisses of these sweet kids. I have ached with Crys when poor Noah got sick. I felt horrible that she would have to experience the NICU and to join that group of moms that spend HOURS on end for weeks and weeks wondering if the would go home empty handed. She is truly a example. For Jenny and her selfless service to help. Dallas's other sisters are so in love with TyTy. They always ask for more pictures. I couldn't ask for better sisters in the entire world. I am so blessed.

Our jobs are such a blessing to us and make my heart so full. I LOVE my job. It is hard to be away from my family but having more than we need is such a good feeling. I am glad that Dallas likes his job. He has really enjoyed his work here and LOVES living in Arizona. Although we are apart more than we thought we would we feel so blessed with both jobs that provide so well for us.

For my friends. I talk to Steff everyday. I use to spend so much time with her. She was my best friend. I finally feel like I am back to knowing my best friend again. For T, K and H. We have so much fun. When we all get together our sides hurt from laughing. Who could forget Pearl. She watched Tyler the other day for us and She is truly one of my closest friends here.

I can't wait for my family to come visit. I miss Lexi and can't wait to see how big she has gotten. She is such a tender heart. My mom and dad are so supportive and I am glad to see them. When they come it is a great time to finally feel like I can have a good conversation with them ( Yes mom even when you drive me CRAZY!!!) I feel like they respect me as a parent. Its nice to have them around.

We have come a long way in 2 years and I am very grateful to what we have become. Hopefully next year we can be in our own home and have even more to be grateful for.