Right after I had Grayson Ty and I needed to get out of the house and I was itching for a good church book to read. I haven't had the desire to read any kind of church book for a LONG time. I had wanted to get a different book but was looking around the store and found this one.
Fertile in Our Faith is written by Krista Ralston Oakes. It felt strange buying a book on dealing with infertility with a brand new baby on my arm, but I did and I really felt like I needed to read it. By the first chapter I was in tears.
Though I do have a baby and I had a wonderful pregnancy and such a different experience there is still some sadness. The sadness is hard to put my finger on. Grayson and his birth and pregnancy truly gave me some closure and healed some things that were really hard. But I think realizing that there is not going to be, more for many reasons, and what we had to deal with before getting Grayson is still raw. Those feelings, I really think are only understood by those going through infertility, pregnancy loss or something similar. I must add, I feel like a pregnancy loss, though not through a death or miscarriage or still birth, having a preemie and a pretty much full term pregnancy, I can tell you I had a pregnancy loss.
So many things stuck out in this book so I am sure there will be a few blogs about it. The first chapter explained fertility or lack of fertility. And then touched on a few things about and answered some questions about how you can feel like a failure in a church that focuses on family.
One chapter really hit home. It was being thankful for what you have had and not what you lost. To focus on a different aspect of it. A favorite thought was when you hold a child never be the first to release, always wait. Wait for the child to stop the hug. Then you know they got what they needed. They likened that to fertility and loss. That is where it got me thinking. Do I really wait to release the hug? When it comes to Tyler I do. But I wasn't with Grayson. Because our experience was so different I feel that Grayson is stronger in so many ways. That he doesn't need me as much and that I don't have to fight so hard to keep him here. I just had to fight to GET him here.
Then on a sad night a few weeks ago, when I wasn't feeling very good about myself and was feeling sad and unwanted, I realized that they both need me to wait. To not let go of the hug. That not only would it help me, but would help them. That it would heal.
The last few weeks I have longed for getting back to church, feeling so many things that I know are right. But for showing my Heavenly Father that I am very thankful for the boys. For being able to get through a hard time. In hopes that I learned what I needed that I was able to have Grayson and in turn realize just how much I needed him.
Every day, when I get a hug, I think I will wait. Wait just a little longer and let them let go. My Heavenly Father waits......