I have to admit I HATE cleaning. There is a mom clean and a kid clean and I think my whole "idea" is that if it is kid clean I can pass with the cluttered mess. I am not a hoarder. I just would prefer to not scrub my walls every other day.
I was looking back on my private blog and noticed that I have kinda been in a depressed funk for a while. I really noticed that the depression was really bad about a year ago and the fertility mess during the summer didn't help anything. Then we got pregnant and I really thought that I would have snapped out of EVERYTHING and just be this fabulous mom and wife and the works.
So that dream was quickly smashed when I realized how exhausted I was. I didn't realize that while I was pregnant with Tyler it was such a crazy time of change that I didn't notice half of what I did this time. I savored every minute and took a LOT of naps.
Now that I am feeling a LOT better and I am enjoying every move, kick and punch that I need to get my act together. Today was spent scrubbing from top to bottom my closet and my bathroom. It felt great. The dishes are done and laundry is almost finished.
I feel bad I wasted almost a year in a depression and a funk. What else did I miss? I realize how much I could have done better. I was sad about something that I couldn't and can't control. Fertility is such a HARD thing to go through. You feel alone and down and nothing feels right about it. But I had to get up and put on my pants and do what I could to function.
Now that I see that I was BARELY functioning now I can start to forgive myself and do a little better. Isn't that all Heavenly Father asks for, is just to be a little better. Do a little more.
2 comments:
Yep, that is all He asks. And all I ask is that you open the door if your parents knock. But since you didn't you missed out on us, glorious us. I went to the bathroom somewhere else. Really that was all we were stopping for. Especially since it is so difficult to get to your house now with all that construction all around you. You definately can't get there from anywhere.
You didn't waste that time. You were learning, albeit the hard way, and what you learned is benefiting you now. I also suspect you'll be called upon to use it at some time in the future to benefit someone else.
I'm glad you are not looking back and beating yourself up for it. Adding undeserved guilt on top of things would be unfair to you. My spouse struggles with depression and it's a hard battle to fight.
You were going through really hard stuff and it was just HARD. You got through it the best you could and here you are- feeling better. Congratulations on all the great stuff coming your way.
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