I haven't had many bad days recently. Things are going really well with Tyler. Minus the bus lady incident ( which she ended up NOT getting transferred but had a lesson on how not to abuse my child) So things are going well. Emotionally and spiritually not so hot.
Let me explain:
I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and understand He has a plan. I understand His hand is watching over us and that again there is a plan.
Yet I fall short on SO many levels. One lately has been on forgiveness and total forgiveness. Instead it has been filled with anger and resentment. So much so that I can pretty much find fault in every single thing that people have said. Seriously, I am getting REALLY good. Even if it is something simple ( " I had a long day" for example could have me wanting to tell them off or getting angry etc ) Its bad.
I find myself constantly doing this. Its not even just one person. That is what makes me more frustrated than anything. If they have severely offended me or have attacked me in some way I find myself doing this. I find myself getting defensive so much that I feel like I am making myself have more anxiety than it is worth.
I have found myself really looking and looking for some guidance. I have been taking some time before Ty gets on the bus and reading last sessions Ensign. I have been praying for help and yet I still fall short.
I really feel like these people have and owe me an apology. I have apologized and have done so more than once to several of those I feel have wronged me. But it just isn't going away.
I know that I can and have changed I just wish I could understand that with others. It is not a fun feeling to feel defensive and angry.
Anyone else ever been there? Am I just bearing my soul for no reason!? I want to be able to forgive and forget. What has worked for you?
7 comments:
I get that way a lot. :( I hate to admit it, but I do. Recently my mantra has been "peaceful mind, joyful heart". I take deep breaths, do some meditation and USUALLY it helps. Of course sometimes only time will help me, but it has made a difference. I still do get angry and defensive and can raise my defensive angry quills pretty quickly but if I can catch myself and take some deep breaths before I speak, it usually works. It is difficult, but can be done. I am still learning.
Ha, man I swear Nancy, our minds are so linked it's scary!! I have been feeling the same way lately. I can usually keep it under control...to an extent. But lately, I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me and it has been for a while! I know when I have felt like this in the past, especially with someone I have actual "hate" feelings for, the only thing I can do is PRAY!!!!! Pray my heart out! Pray I have an open heart. Pray that person has an open heart!! And then pray some more!! Sorry you are feeling crappy! I love you!
A bishop once counseled to study the atonement. My sister and I often joke "darn that agency!" Sometimes it sucks how others use their agency, and it affects us, or others, and yet they are allowed to, because Christ paid the price for them to do that. But He also took upon Himself all of our pain, discouragement, sadness, hurt, fear, etc. I think you are going in the right direction. It's a choice you have to make, to give Him the hurt and anger, and it's a choice that you have to continue to make (some times several times a minute, if you are like me.) I've been there too. Hang in there.
I think everyone feels that way many times. Go to my blog and follow the tags for The Peace Giver. In my opinion, it is the best book ever to teach us that we need to just forgive, no strings attached. Forgiveness can't be linked to someone else doing something first. The book is the best. The posts are my thoughts as I read it.
Mom I read it as well. It sounds like a NICE idea but that doesn't mean it is easy to do! Thanks for the suggestion. Maybe I need to go re read it :)
Remember the quote, "No one said it would but easy, but it will be worth it." Tests usually aren't easy.
I sometimes have a hard time letting go of little grudges. I am not sure why. I think it is gone and then somehow it will come roaring back.
A lot of times it helps me to think= "What will the consequence of acting out on this anger/offended feelings?" This can be a variety of answers. Usually I find that the consequence is not worth it. Once the anger and frustration have disipated, I then try to focus more on the atonement and forgiveness. Thanks for sharing.
Post a Comment