Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Please stop taking my babies away

I was not awake for Tyler's birth. He was pushed into my room, a wonderful blessing was given and he was taken away. I didn't have my contacts and didn't have glasses so I couldn't see him. But my heart went right with him in the helicopter.

At 3 days old I had to leave him while they did surgery on his heart.

Weeks later they took him away from me again while they performed brain surgery.

EVERY night for 93 days I had to leave him behind. It was like he wasn't mine.

Until a month ago I had NEVER ever been away from him since I left him in the NICU. He was with my parents and I knew he was safe. He had a great time but I was so anxious to get back to him.

We have had countless surgeries where I have to hand over my child. Something about today did me in. Though there was no crying when they took him it was the emotions that I didn't expect.

Dallas had an interview so I took Ty knowing I was fine until he came out of surgery. The surgery is VERY minor but it seemed to take forever today. I even told the anesthesiologist that when he comes out of surgery he is very angry and violent and we think it is because of the versed. The doc opted that it would be "better" to have him not remember the leaving me and comfort him after. So reluctantly I agreed.

The wait was forever, we got a roommate and D finally got there. Soon after he got there they carried in a screaming kid. They didn't roll his bed in with him because he was not "safe" in his bed. He was thrashing around and wouldn't stay in his bed and was very violent. They handed him to me but that was short lived. He thrashes and kicks and I couldn't hold him any more.

My heart broke.

Dallas took him into his bed and tried to calm him down. The nurse came in and asked me if this was "behavioral?" I was so mad. No he isn't doing it for attention. I told you guys he would do this. It just made the situation worse in my heart.

It was heartbreaking to hear Tyler tell his dad to let me go as he thrashed around. It was heartbreaking to have him slump to the floor in tears and anger. It was horrible. Add that to my frustration of having no way to help my baby feel better and keep my other baby save a few tears were shed. But overall I just felt angry.

Dallas took Ty for a walk and out to the basketball court, which Ty was asking for. I went back to pack the bag and wait for discharge. It took forever. Seeing as we didn't need to stay every time I paged the nurse she sent in the not smart, not any good with kids CNA. I finally went to the charge and asked to be discharged.

D had to carry Ty to the car and we put a crying, sad little boy in the backseat. My heart literally broke knowing he was so so sad. We got home and we set up a picnic and got some chippies and he was fine. He was happy.

I left for my appointment with Grayson. Seeing as it is our last one I had a few questions about what is going to happen. Grayson is not going to be considered "term." But for us a 36 weeker is close enough. So close we don't think of him as a "preemie" especially when you consider him 7 times LARGER than our first kid. But we needed some information about what to expect.

There is still a chance that he will need to be in the NICU. He might have to be on CPAP and might have some issues getting his temp up. All things are VERY minor compared to before and we knew it was a possibility. At the end of my appointment I started crying. My poor doc must seriously think I am insane.

I sobbed telling him that I was so sick of people taking my babies away from me. That I feel like they are always just taken away so that I can't love without my heart being broken. I have had my OB for 12 years or so. He knows and has worked so hard to get us as close to term as possible. He sat there while I cried.

He left to get a prescription that he said he is making Dallas fill for me. It has to be filled before my section and it has to be done on Monday. He wrote me a script for a nice dinner for us at my favorite restaurant ( of course he should have included a check!) As he handed it to me he said I have prayed for 36 weeks that this baby will get to stay.
That is all I ask. At some point everyone around us that has had extra needs has had the chance to slow down on the hard stuff. Making the life routine so much better and less heart breaking. That isn't going to happen for Tyler. He is such a brave and amazing little boy, but the pain he feels will not ever get to subside. Instead he gets to be brave and I get to learn to let my heart break into a million pieces.

An ordinary miracle, that makes my heart shatter. But makes my heart melt every day.

Please... stop taking my babies away.


singedwingangel said...

OH Sweetie my heart is aching for you praying that Grayson is healthy enough to be with momma immediately..

The Henrys said...

Nancy, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. We had a similar experience after Gracie's last surgery and it was so hard. The nurse thought that Gracie was being so angry and violent because I wasn't a good mom and Gracie didn't know me very well. Then they tried to give her versed, which she is allergic to. Please know that even though Tyler was so miserable, you were doing what you could for him, and even though he didn't show it, I am sure he was comforted that you were there with him. HUGS!

Melissa said...

I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. I truly pray that Grayson will be able to stay with you and not need NICU. I understand how much your heart breaks every day, every minute you walk out of that NICU with empty arms. You are a WONDERFUL mother, I can tell just from reading your blog posts, don't let anyone (yourself included) make you doubt that.

Cynthia said...

Such a beautiful post! I am so glad you've made it to 36 weeks! YEAH! I was reliving my preemie delivery yesterday because my sister gave birth to 38 1/2 week TWINS! They are big and healthy and perfect and everything went smoothly. And while I'm super happy for her- I also got to see the experience we were supposed to have, but didn't. There's just no comparing a full-term birth with a preemie delivery. I am so very glad that YOU will get to experience the full-term (or dang near) side of things this time. Good job Mama!