Things I can't change

I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 18 years old. After 2 years of visits with a local OBGYN my care was transferred to Provo to a doctor who has been my doctor now for almost 12 years. He has been the person who has done all they could in any way to help me feel "normal."

I have written several different random posts about my endometriosis. But one thing is for certain, I never thought we would end up RIGHT where we are today.

Ty's pregnancy was not planned, thought of and not exactly at the "right time" but we embraced it ad went with it. His pregnancy was hard. We know now that I had hyperemesis. I was VERY sick. I bled a lot. I had placenta previa. I had to change doctors to another doctor ( not the one from my WHOLE life) and the new doctor did a cervical biopsy while I was pregnant. About 4 weeks later I was in Alta View giving birth to a baby born TOO early.

While I spent the better part of what was suppose to be this amazing experience of feeling my baby kick, have baby showers where everyone rubbed your belly, people asked questions about your baby, you have numerous appointments and time to plan their arrival. I spent my days sitting next to a plastic box. Wondering when he was going to die. Wondering when we would be buying his wheelchair. If I wold ever take him home.

We were adamant that we would Never have another child. we watched our son go through hell. He lives Hell every day. There isn't a day that goes by that he is different or in pain or alone because of his premature birth. We would NEVER have the heart to do that again to another child.

We told everyone we knew and asked if we were having more " No. He is all we need" or " Maybe when he walks and talks" Knowing that the doctors had told us he wouldn't do those things. We felt we were safe to say that.

In June 2006 our family was sealed in the Manti temple. Ty had just had brain surgery. While Dallas and I were in the temple we were sitting next to each other in a VERY spiritual room and we KNEW we had one more child waiting for us. ( and just so you know she has brown hair!)

It took another 3 years for us to get up the courage and feel those feelings of the "right" time. After feeling those feelings our amazing OBGYN in Arizona set us up with a perinatologist in Arizona. This gave us the information that we needed to make an educated and research plan and it also gave us a plant to get a child here, to somewhat term, and healthy.

Little did we know that was not the case.

In 2008 I had to have surgery to remove 3 cysts, 2 endometriomas, endometriosis and some scar tissue. I felt great to have it all out. But it didn't work. It was a great fix for a few months but overall it was not a Cure fix.

My endometriosis has landed us to where we are now .To the things I can't change.

To the things I want to change.

After some dysfunctional bleeding in December ( ALLLLLL of December) we ran out of choices to get pregnant because we really needed the bleeding to stop. A plan of action was made and we had to take a shot called Depo Lupron. It does prevent you from getting pregnant. It is NOT what we "really" wanted. What we really wanted was a baby. What we go? Hot flashes, sadness, mood swings and a very lucky neighborhood I didn't carry a gun. This was the worst shot yet. I have had others and have NEVER felt this way.

We decided not to continue with the shots in April. By this time 2 of my sister in laws were expecting. None showing compassion to the situation we had been placed in.

We have a 3 month plan set up with my OBGYN. After talking things over with Dallas and knowing the three month plan was going to send us to a few appointments and run a few test we deceided to also see a reproductive endocrinologist. We needed to test Dallas. Then we needed to test my stuff.

Dallas passed with flying colors. Me. Not so much.

Though generally, fertility is a couples problem, sometimes they can tell if there is more "fault" than not. Well mine is the fault.

• Endometriois: causes infertility, miscarriages, cysts to grow, blocks the fallopian tubes, painful periods and sexual intercourse.
• Poly cystic ovarian syndrome : Changes your ovulation, sometimes you don't ovulate or can't.
• Surgery on my abdomen: times 4
• Previous C-Section's: Not only did I have Tyler as a c section I had another cut on my uterus. We have now increased our risk for premature delivery.

In March/ April we started our treatments for IUI. The first 2 rounds never made it to the end. The first treatment I had no eggs. Second treatment same thing. 3rd treatment we changed medications and had what looked like everything was perfect.

It wasn't. It wasn't perfect at all. With a total of $1200 in just medication ou insurance will pick up some of the IUI but no meds. Our new insurance picked up this past week and we have no fertility coverage at all.

The negative on my test has brought on new feelings that I can't describe. Mostly I am lonely. Very lonely. Everyone I know is pregnant. Everyone who should understand doesn't. People don't understand the sadness and the anger that comes from it.

With this sadness and with Ty and his issues both D and I are in coping mode. I am up late with my head turning and he cant' sleep at all.

We are walking messes.

Walking sad messes.