Sunday, July 11, 2010

Things I can't change

I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 18 years old. After 2 years of visits with a local OBGYN my care was transferred to Provo to a doctor who has been my doctor now for almost 12 years. He has been the person who has done all they could in any way to help me feel "normal."

I have written several different random posts about my endometriosis. But one thing is for certain, I never thought we would end up RIGHT where we are today.

Ty's pregnancy was not planned, thought of and not exactly at the "right time" but we embraced it ad went with it. His pregnancy was hard. We know now that I had hyperemesis. I was VERY sick. I bled a lot. I had placenta previa. I had to change doctors to another doctor ( not the one from my WHOLE life) and the new doctor did a cervical biopsy while I was pregnant. About 4 weeks later I was in Alta View giving birth to a baby born TOO early.

While I spent the better part of what was suppose to be this amazing experience of feeling my baby kick, have baby showers where everyone rubbed your belly, people asked questions about your baby, you have numerous appointments and time to plan their arrival. I spent my days sitting next to a plastic box. Wondering when he was going to die. Wondering when we would be buying his wheelchair. If I wold ever take him home.

We were adamant that we would Never have another child. we watched our son go through hell. He lives Hell every day. There isn't a day that goes by that he is different or in pain or alone because of his premature birth. We would NEVER have the heart to do that again to another child.

We told everyone we knew and asked if we were having more " No. He is all we need" or " Maybe when he walks and talks" Knowing that the doctors had told us he wouldn't do those things. We felt we were safe to say that.

In June 2006 our family was sealed in the Manti temple. Ty had just had brain surgery. While Dallas and I were in the temple we were sitting next to each other in a VERY spiritual room and we KNEW we had one more child waiting for us. ( and just so you know she has brown hair!)

It took another 3 years for us to get up the courage and feel those feelings of the "right" time. After feeling those feelings our amazing OBGYN in Arizona set us up with a perinatologist in Arizona. This gave us the information that we needed to make an educated and research plan and it also gave us a plant to get a child here, to somewhat term, and healthy.

Little did we know that was not the case.

In 2008 I had to have surgery to remove 3 cysts, 2 endometriomas, endometriosis and some scar tissue. I felt great to have it all out. But it didn't work. It was a great fix for a few months but overall it was not a Cure fix.

My endometriosis has landed us to where we are now .To the things I can't change.

To the things I want to change.

After some dysfunctional bleeding in December ( ALLLLLL of December) we ran out of choices to get pregnant because we really needed the bleeding to stop. A plan of action was made and we had to take a shot called Depo Lupron. It does prevent you from getting pregnant. It is NOT what we "really" wanted. What we really wanted was a baby. What we go? Hot flashes, sadness, mood swings and a very lucky neighborhood I didn't carry a gun. This was the worst shot yet. I have had others and have NEVER felt this way.

We decided not to continue with the shots in April. By this time 2 of my sister in laws were expecting. None showing compassion to the situation we had been placed in.

We have a 3 month plan set up with my OBGYN. After talking things over with Dallas and knowing the three month plan was going to send us to a few appointments and run a few test we deceided to also see a reproductive endocrinologist. We needed to test Dallas. Then we needed to test my stuff.

Dallas passed with flying colors. Me. Not so much.

Though generally, fertility is a couples problem, sometimes they can tell if there is more "fault" than not. Well mine is the fault.
  • Endometriois: causes infertility, miscarriages, cysts to grow, blocks the fallopian tubes, painful periods and sexual intercourse.
  • Poly cystic ovarian syndrome : Changes your ovulation, sometimes you don't ovulate or can't.
  • Surgery on my abdomen: times 4
  • Previous C-Section's: Not only did I have Tyler as a c section I had another cut on my uterus. We have now increased our risk for premature delivery.
In March/ April we started our treatments for IUI. The first 2 rounds never made it to the end. The first treatment I had no eggs. Second treatment same thing. 3rd treatment we changed medications and had what looked like everything was perfect.
It wasn't. It wasn't perfect at all. With a total of $1200 in just medication ou insurance will pick up some of the IUI but no meds. Our new insurance picked up this past week and we have no fertility coverage at all.

The negative on my test has brought on new feelings that I can't describe. Mostly I am lonely. Very lonely. Everyone I know is pregnant. Everyone who should understand doesn't. People don't understand the sadness and the anger that comes from it.

With this sadness and with Ty and his issues both D and I are in coping mode. I am up late with my head turning and he cant' sleep at all.

We are walking messes.

Walking sad messes.


singedwingangel said...

Oh swetie I know a 90 yr old woman who was in your place right now. She knew what God said but had no clue how it was going to happen. If God can open the womb of Sara he can do ANYHING for you as well..

The Henrys said...

My heart goes out to you!

Lisa M. said...


Lisa M. said...

Now that I have had a few minutes to take it all in-

I think these trials are incredible. Tough and gut wrenching. Just thinking about those NICU days brings a knot to my stomach that is indescribable. I feel the ache you talk about-- I am sorry for that. Ethan is almost seven and I still get a sterile taste in my mouth when I allow my mind to travel back to those days.

This other stuff-- yuck.

I totally understand the guilt and the blame- I really sense your frustration and your pain.

The one thing that stands out, is the rough, rawness that comes from insensitivity from those who should get it.

THIS is something, that makes me seethe. I have no idea who you are referring to specifically and that is a mute point anyway. It just rubs salt in the wounds and a real sense of vulnerability that increases the heartache ten fold.

I will never and I mean that, I will NEVER comprehend why people say the things they do-- act the way they act-- and their inability to think beyond themselves.

This whole entire experience sucks rump. From the very beginning to the spot where you are now. I'm not going to paint you a pretty picture and tell you that these trials are really.... blah blah blah. I have heard all that shit before.

The truth is, it sucks. It sucks bad and there is nothing pretty about it. It's not fair-- it isn't even CLOSE to being fair.

I am sorry this is happening to you. I appreciate your capability of expressing the place where you are at now. I hope that you can somehow sort through all the pain and heartache and find some kind of peace. I pray that the people in your life will open up their hearts and minds and be able to look past themselves and be a little more sensitive.

Keep writing...

Becca said...

I'm not going to lie, that does suck. And I understand. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant too. Everyone but me that is. Hang in there, those of us who are at "fault" for fertility issues in our marriages need all the understanding and support we can get.

Matt and Brianna said...

I love you. I am sorry you are so sad. I wished I could take it all away! I don't know why the Lord chooses who He does. But this life is us going through the Refiners fire. This is what I have recently figured out for myself....


Doesn't mean it doesn't suck butt!! Doesn't mean you don't need support, ESPECIALLY FROM THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU!!! Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell going through these said trials. And you are entitled to every feeling of despair, anger, sadness. But remember we are here. He is there.

I love you Nancy. I was hoping SO much this would work!!! I don't know what you are going through. I know the painful endometriosis part, but the rest, I don't a thing!!

I love you. (Have I said that?) But I do. Please unload on those who truly have your best interest at heart!!

Hope you have a good day today!! <3 U

~NICKY~ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rochelle said...

My heart aches for you!! Please don't buy a gun:)

Melissa said...

Nancy, I am sorry. I know that doesn't help, but I really wish you and Dallas had it much easier. I am glad you have shared so much about the diagnosis' you have, and what you go through. It has helped me to understand so much more of the emotions that you deal with. I wish you the very best and thank you for being such a great example!

Miracles Happen said...

Nicky, you say that none of us can know how you feel in regards to not being married so how can you possibly know or understand what we are going through. Yep, we are married, yep we have kids. I also have a kid that I was never 9 months pregnant with. I have not experienced A pregnancy. I have no experienced real child birth. Ty is disabled so we miss a lot of milestones. Those are things that I long for.

As for adding to our family that is a personal and spiritual decsion with Dallas and I. If you want to go out and get pregnant right now and do it alone then you are welcome to do so. No one is stopping you. it isn't your body or your spouses body that isn't working.

As far as compassion, we have as much compassion as we can. We don't understand, just like you don't understand, so we do the best we can. At the picnic yesterday we talked about computers and refinishing furniture. Yes, me and chantel talked about fertility and babies becasue that is what we wante to talk about sitting next to each other. You didn't come down and join us. You didn't join in the conversation and you didn't and don't seem to interested to know what we are doing . We didn't mean to leave you out. We were just sitting there.

If you feel inclined to go and get pregnant then do it. No one is stopping you. But passing judgment on us because we have kids doesn't mean anything other than you passing judgement. If you don't want it passed on you then don't pass it on to others.

~NICKY~ said...

Nancy, you and dallas cracked a joke that i have STDs and gonerrhea. you crack jokes like that to me all the time. I put up with it because i don't want to make a big deal. To an extent, yes I do know what it is like to want a child. I know I could go out and have one(I am hoping that the "problems" with child bearing is not passed on to me) But I didn't want to sit there and hear and talk about how sad you guys are when I am sad when people I know get pregnant and have kids too. I have asked Chantel and Barrett questions on what they are doing. You and Dallas feel free to share your story with the world so why ask?

Miracles Happen said...

My childbearing issues BTW are NOT genetic. So I think you are safe.

I am sorry you were offended by any comments made at the picnic. You are welcome to post the vent you have over on your own blog.

Danielle said...

Nancy, my heart bleeds for you. Somehow, I was lucky enough to have two. I still don't know how or why; I wasn't supposed to be able to even have the one! And all the hell we went through with her made me not want to do it again. I know what you mean about not experiencing childbirth. It is still painful for me that I feel like I didn't really get to experience something that is a BIG part of being a mommy. Randy and I have felt for YEARS that we're supposed to have another boy. Unless there's a miracle in store for us, it ain't happening anytime soon. My much younger sister is pregnant with her 5th. It seems so unfair to me, but I just bite my tongue and love her babies as much as if they were my own. In some ways, I think her only son, with whom I am very close, is the boy we were supposed to have. Does that sound crazy?
One reason I stopped going to church was because I could no longer handle the constant parade of pregnant and new moms. It's not the main reason, not at all, but it hurt. I wish with all my heart your news had been good. I think I told you about my friend that was going through the IUI? And her husband passed away right after they found out this round had not worked. It doesn't help to hear "Someday the Lord will give you a whole world of babies to raise." That isn't now, that isn't here, and this SUCKS. I love you sweetie. I hope good news comes your way soon.

Lisa M. said...

Someday-- when your entire little round world, turns all pear shaped-- when everything you used to know, no longer exists, when everything you think or believe is challenged... i promise you--

Life will never be the same again. You'll never be able to think, act or feel the same-- about anything.

When that happens-- You will realize that all most everything in the world is made of fluff. Comments at a picnic, will not have value- they won't even be remembered.

Trivial garbage never is.

Maturity comes with experience-- when those experiences are a mixed bag of goods-- it makes it hard.

When you have some life experiences under your belt- I suspect that you won't focus or worry about such irrelevant crap.

Nancy, your life experiences have lead you to where you are. Some of them I am sure are bags of gratitude, and others are bags of heartache.

Sharing those with us, makes you brave-- despite what others think. Keep doing so. Sharing that, helps us understand things we have not had to endure... I hope it helps you too. DESPITE some people, you really do have support out here.

I promise you that.

Shelly said...

My heart breaks for you and all who suffer fertility issues. My sister has had 2 failed iui cycles and now two failed ivf cycles. She is doing a FET this month.

While it doesn't directly affect me, I've watched the pain she goes through everyday because of it.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with it.

Just know we are all behind you for support and whenever you want to vent/complain/cry, we are here to read and listen.