In knots

I am the worst nervous mommy when it comes to sickness. I drive Dallas insane but I can't help but feel total panic.

On Saturday Ty did the early 3 am wake up. I couldn't shake the idea that he was not feeling well but he acted fine and asked for food around 5. I went downstairs and got him food and Dallas came down to take over and sent me back to bed. I was so thankful. I had a photo session in Salt Lake so I wanted to feel rested and I had to work at 6:30 pm so rest was really appreciated. I wasn't feeling well. Nauseous. I chalked it up to nerves but it felt like morning sickness. I am not pregnant so I KNOW it was something else.

I headed to the photo session ( now feeling bad cause I am almost sure it is a bug) ate some crackers and was feeling tired but OK. I got home, Nicky was watching Ty and he had fallen asleep. She said he was acting fine. Ate a ton of toaster struddles and fell fast asleep.

He was not interested in lunch but I offered to take him to the park. At the park a small little fall threw him into tears. So we came home where he laid on the floor crying and whining. I felt so bad for him. And then I noticed the fever.

My dad and mom stopped by and Dallas and my dad gave him a blessing. I noticed some gagging and knew that we were gonna have throw up. Through out the evening I started throwing up to but wasn't sure if it was from nerves or from a bug. Ty had a pretty rough night. He had a fever through out the night. Acted much better off and on through out the day. However tonight we are back sick. He took some motrin with LOTS of coaxing and holding and some night meds which we hope will make him and mom feel better. I am not far behind!

So why the nervous mom-

We have a shunt. One that tends to break. One that has broken every six months. Shunts and stomach bugs have the same symptoms. How do you know what is what?

As Dallas and I have been frantically googling trying to ease our mind and we find OUR own blogs but nothing else that will put our mind at ease. NOTHING. I call the on call at our peds and she doesn't think it warrants a trip to PCMC right now. He only threw up once today and it was not " impressive" vomiting. Like massive HUGE amounts that are violent VIOLENT. So we wait.

The fact that I still worry about losing my child 4 years after the initial events of his rough start makes me mad. I hate how I still have thoughts of watching him get sicker and sicker. Feeling helpless as I watch him die. He is alive yet I still think of those times.

When he is sick both of us have anxiety. Both of us watch him closely. I hate how it all plays out. Every cry and whimper at night has me on edge, every time I can't hear him breathe I freak out. I have to know he is OK.

I can't bear to think of the alternative. No matter what I feel regarding any given situation he has changed my world. As sucky as the weeks are or the therapy after therapy he is mine. And thinking a shunt breaking puts him at risk makes me so sick.

I am in Knots and along with me not feeling well either, knots are not fun!

I know he will be fine whatever we need to do. But I still can't help but worry.