Sunday, October 11, 2009
Feelings of overwhelming love
This weekend was spent in a time warp. In a place that never changes. In a place that holds very familiar feelings and memories that took place many years ago. It has good and bad memories. It has good and bad feelings but most of all I caught a glimpse of the now.
I grew up in a small town. Not many people around. We still refer to places as the place that So and so lived. Or "Drew's" as the grocery store even when it very much has a name! Everyone knew everyone. I say KNEW because change has come about. I see a change in me.
I moved from Emery County when I was 17 years old. Not even old enough to rent a apartment on my own but where I knew it all. As I would go back to visit, feelings of respect came about for those who taught me.
As I grew older and I had more and more life experience the people were still there and they would change but the town would be the same. Those memories would fill my mind. And once again those who taught me became more and more important.
4 years ago I had a life changing experience. Everything that I knew was wrong. I knew nothing of how to raise a child like mine. A perfect child. A child much wiser and much more spiritually aware than I could ever be.
When I would go visit a few of those well respected teachers would leave me with words of wisdom. Some times it was words of you get what you deserve as I got a quick squeeze, and other times it was you can do whatever you have to do to keep that boy on track.
This last weekend as I rolled into town feelings and memories came flooding back and I saw a glimpse of what my life is.
Ted, every time I saw him would ask how is the boy. He would smile. I would smile and I would say he is good. Ted would then say He is stubborn like his mom. She deserves it. And then he would pat my shoulder and say I pray for him every day. You can do it.
His partner in crime would give me a squeeze on my arm and say it's hard but you can do it.
As I answered my non verbal child in almost every request he gave, as I read him book after book, gave cracker after cracker and got squeeze after squeeze I realized that this is my life.
Ted was right. He is stubborn. And I do deserve it. If he wasn't stubborn I would have lost my child and been asked to grieve his loss. I was blessed to have Ted pray for him along with many others. And I can do it.
President Law is right. It is hard. And he is right I can do it.
Every sound that mimics a words, every look of admiration and love, every small step forward is what I live for. It is VERY hard. I often feel discourage. I often feel alone. The further this journey goes on I am more and more alone.
The alone comes from feeling betrayal from those who I once felt love. For betrayal from those that I feel have judged without knowing.
But I am not innocent in making myself alone.
The flooded memories as taps was being played in a lonely green cemetery in Orangeville made me realize that that boy that I am still carrying is my life. He is my world. He is the reason I believe what I believe.
I know I will be caring for him for the rest of my life. Not just in a motherly love but in a taking care of because he can't do it for himself. I am his only voice right now. I want so much for those in our families to come and learn how Tyler speaks, but again I find myself showing and they move on to something or someone that you don't have to Know their voice.
I am his voice at school. I am his voice at his doctors. I am his voice when he is hungry, tired and thirsty.
But of all those things that I am for him he does things for me. He makes me not alone. He makes me feel loved when I am feeling low. He teaches me that he will get back up. And he teaches me that at some point and in some strange way I am the one being taught.
I love my son. I love his smile. I love his words and long for the words that he may never speak. I love his desire to learn. I love his animal sounds. I love his routine that never changes with his dad. I love that he loves his dad. I love that we are best buds. I love that I show more patience towards him. I love that he is the pure love of Christ and I love that I get to have that as my son!
As Dumbo's mom sang, All those people scold ( and scoff and laugh) you, what they'd give just for the right to HOLD YOU!.. That is Tyler.
He is a hero bearing the scars of prematurity yet soaring in spirit larger than life.