Memories....

This time of year brings up such a mix of emotions for me. I am way more excited about Christmas this year than I have been for a long time but there is still this sadness and thoughts of the "would of should of" in life.

Please don't think that I am in any way sad about my life because I am not. I LOVE my life and what it is. But there are times that the what if's get you thinking.

Ty's adjusted birthday is coming up. He should have been growing in my tummy all this time instead of inside his little incubator. He should have been free of pain and suffering, free of bleeds, free of ROP and free of all the things that was handed to him. He should have been born a fat little baby with lots of little fat rolls. But... instead we have a very special little dude that has made us smile EVERY day that we have him.

The journal entry on his blog from 2 years ago went like this:

Crib Update
Tonight was 24 hours since Tyler was moved to an open crib. We were scared that he would lose weight and have to go back to the incubator, but when I was up at the hospital today we checked his weight and he gained 90 grams! He is now up to 2260 grams or 4 pounds 15 ounces. So we are still in a crib, and we are hoping he continues to gain. We got him a Santa clause outfit, so expect some of the cutest pictures ever, soon.

What a time to reflect on and know that my little man has been through so much but is still such a joy. If I get a little down.. it isn't the sweet little precious cute big boy I have in my other room. It is trying to piece together the pains of what I missed. And YES I wanted and still want to know what it feels like to be MISERABLE and pregnant. What it feels like to bring home that baby with you from the hospital. To have all the same things that moms get to have. I wouldn't give up my little one.... Not on your life...