Wednesday, February 15, 2012

There is no witty tittle

I don't even have a witty tittle for this blog post. Nothing. It isn't even writers block because I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start. My mom would be angry if I said everything that is going on in my head because I am a little angry. No... A lot angry. So instead, I will be nice and say only a few things.

I have really struggled the last 3 years. We were dealing with infertility. I was struggling with who I was as a wife and mother. I had had a job for the last 2 years and found myself back to being a stay at home mom. While that is my most favorite and absolute best place for me to be it really caused me to have an identity crisis.  I have always felt I knew who I was, and felt at peace with whatever I was doing.

After I had Tyler life was hard. It wasn't just his issues that were hard. About a year after we had him we moved and soon after I had a job. I had that job for 2 years. Some parts of that job were fine others were not. Fast forward to moving to Utah. We struggled. We felt we had made the wrong choice, we REALLY struggled with infertility and I watched 3 pregnancies, 2 babies and an adoption plus countless other friends have babies. But I was not one of them.

After getting pregnant with Grayson I was ecstatic. I was so excited, scared, nervous and all the other emotions you can think of. I was like a first time mom all over again. Literally. But it also threw me for a loop. For 6 years it had been just Tyler. Tyler and his therapy, Tyler and his doctors, Tyler this and Tyler that. Especially for the last 3 years here in Utah. It has been all about getting Tyler just what Tyler needed. It also meant the even better stuff, the just Tyler at the park, going to Grandma's, shopping at the store, running here and running there.

Since July, everything changed. Not only was there a whirl wind of activity here in the house, we were adjusting to life with a baby. Everything was crazy. One of the things I wanted to do was nurse. So I did. Some how, after pumping for hours with Tyler and not having enough to feed him I am able to nurse with no issues. However, it has made my life 100 percent someone else's. I co sleep to have sanity and some sleep. I nurse through out most of the night. I have literally raised a child ( for 7 months) who cannot be without his mom. If he isn't able to touch me he is literally screaming, even with his father.
Add that to therapy starting 2 weeks after Grayson came because Tyler needed it. At least once a week we go to therapy 15 minutes away.

This in no way means I hate being a mom. I don't. In fact, I love being a mom. But I am a person to. With needs, likes, dislikes and sanity. I like knowing who I am and having an identity. Right now, and until at least July I am just "The mom" and I am ok with that.

After Thanksgiving things changed a little. But after Tyler had his seizure EVERYTHING changed. My days changed, my nights changed and my whole world became some what of an unbearable dream. Everything was harder. Getting up in the morning was hard, going to bed at night was hard.

Everything changed.

Tyler developed some strange and hard to handle behaviors. Whatever quirks we had ( and knew we had) had some how and some reason become so amplified that no one could deal. He had anxiety so badly that he wouldn't leave his classroom to go to the other kindergarten. He would meltdown at school to the point where I would have to go and get him. He would freak at the sensory overload when we were in the car and Grayson would cry. He would literally melt.

We find out that his behaviors were from his medication and we tried everything we could to just deal. Then we got sick. Like since mid January we have been sick. Behaviors have gotten worse, school has gotten WAY worse. Ty has had to miss a lot of school. He hasn't been sleeping. Oh and did we all forget, I have an infant. YEP! One that doesn't nap at all unless being held by his mother. We are on a 2 hour schedule for nursing still because in reality I probably don't make enough milk to sustain him but he won't take anything else.  I have been in the sick category and lets face it. Enough is enough I am having some issues dealing with stuff. Like bad issues. Enough that putting pants on in the morning is limited to only pants with elastic waist bands or that can be found in the pajama isle or in clothes that look like I should be on the people of walmart. But I still have responsibilities.

We have changed meds for Tyler. Nothing I can do for Grayson. We have all been on antibiotics. We all started feeling better ( but D got it again this week) and I have gotten some other things squared away so I might be found part of the day in jeans.

But this afternoon.... a few things changed. Without going into details, my character is being questioned. I am very sad about it. I am not who is being portrayed. Those who know me best and even worse, know that I am not that way.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I get to be the mom. A great job for me. I get to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can.


Denise said...

Oh sweetie! Of course things are hard. That's a lot for anyone to handle. Whatever has been said know that you are doing a good job. You are doing the best you can and for the most part your children are being more taken care of than you are. Yes that's what we moms do but who takes care of you? Im so sad knowing instead of pitching in to help in someway someone is causing you pain! I love you sweet friend and while I may be up north I'm still here for you. I'm praying for you. How can I bless you soon? Let me know what I can do to help. Hang in there hon!

Madeleine said...

Praying for you.

Riddle Girl said...

Just remember that only YOU know what is best for YOU and your cute family! That is all that Heavenly Father keeps us accountable for. SO hang in there and know that you are doing the best you can.

Anonymous said...

The thing is - is that you DO have a hard life. But when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.....not pick on others to make yourself feel better. Yes your Heavenly Father loves you but he also expects honesty and truthfulness from you as well. I suspect when you stop focusing on attempting to make others miserable you will not be as miserable yourself. Truth hurts sometimes, but true friends tell the truth to help you heal and move on.

Miracles Happen said...

Anonymous- While I appreciate your intent, it would be more "true" friend of you to have come forth and either emailed or actually told me that. But I will keep the comment because I do not agree with your perspective. I think those who truly do know me, know that yes, I can come across harsh but those of my friends who need me I am there at any given time. I generally even return in kindness when I feel I am wronged by that person. But I can take the critique and keep working on myself. What I can't do is change YOUR opinion. Especially when I can only guesstimate who you are. But if as a true friend ( or family) want to email or converse with me, I will truly listen.

angel shrout said...

Umm so wait.. you are stressed, tired, not enough hours in the day, nursing a baby and a special needs child and someone apparently got their feelings hurt cause you snapped at them?? People need to grow the hell up. They need to realize it is real easy to make assumptions and sling ideas when YOU are not the one living it 24 hours a day. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you even go there with the snide comments and wounded feelings. Look at the situation and go ya know, maybe I took that wrong and she is having a rough day. How about offering her some time to breath, a helping hand, cook a meal, offer to help her with housework so she can do what she has to do otherwise. mmm yeah getting off my pulpit now before I hurt someone.For you not you of course

Joy said...

Hang in there! You have SO much on your plate and you are taking good care of your family. Your boys are so lucky to have you. -Joy

carly said...

Oh my hell...don't even know what to say. If my family or "friends" ever treated me like that, I would end contact with them (if having a civil conversation didn't work). Anonymous comments are so dumb! Grow a pair and talk face-to-face -- or at least put your name on your comment -- OR DON'T READ THE BLOG! Nobody is perfect Nancy! You are amazing; being a mom is hard, it's a zillion roles packed into one title and rarely do we get the credit we deserve. Keep your head up =)