Not ever.
She was gone about a year when I came about. But she shared a birthday really close to mine so we always had a big party.
I knew about her. I even dreamed about knowing her. I dreamed that she was my best friend and the grandma I could run to and tell all my secrets to.
She died when she was 45.
She left my mom with 2 kids who were very small and me on the way. She had cancer. She was diagnosed to late.
She left my mom with the fear of 45. I knew growing up that 45 was a bad year. Sometimes it was whispered that she wouldn't make it past 45. But I prayed that she would. That she would be here AFTER 45. My mom didn't get cancer.
I remember the fear and hearing if we can just get to 45 then things will be ok. That I will be ok. That I won't be like my mom.
Well, I am my mom. Only ours are measured in weeks and not years.
Very simple weeks.
Tyler, my sweet little miracle, was born at 25 week and 3 days. We knew it was early. We KNOW we are lucky.
My sweet Miracle did his best to come through and be the best Tyler that he can be. To grow up and be a sweet loving momma's boy who loves everyone no matter what.
His sweet, miracle baby brother that we want SO badly, is at that magic number. The number I couldn't get past with Tyler. The week that my body betrayed us both and left him with bleeds, blindness and cerebral palsy.
With pain and suffering.
This is the week I could no longer protect him and keep him safe.
This is week 25. Yesterday after some driving I was having some contractions. I wasn't trying to be tough but did try to keep panic out of my voice as I told my sister we needed to pull over. Realizing that I was having contractions her face full of fear almost broke my heart. I felt so bad knowing that the pain wasn't just mine nor was the fear of having these sweet babies early.
This week we could use some extra prayers.
Just to get us past 25 weeks. Get us to a safer magic number.
Let me have him here safe... please.
The tears aren't stopping and the anxiety level in mom and dad are super high. I just want him to be safe.
Inside me he is safe.
3 comments:
sending tons of prayers up and sending angels there to surround you and protect you. Stay inside little one you hear me, you do NOT have to do everything big brother did.. got it.
I'm praying for you right now. I understand that fear. My daughter was born 24w4d and that was a very stressful week during both my next 2 pregnancies (I made it to full term with both even though I did have PTL around 30-34 weeks with both- the doctors stopped it with meds and fluids) Praying not only for you to make it to your goal, but also for peace during that stressful time
You know we are always praying for you. I thought of something the other day. You know what your baby looks like, not just someone saying something like "the baby is this long, doing this,....." We know he is a real baby, with toes, fingers, heartbeat, etc. Now he just needs to grow and get big a fat, which he will do. I'm sure.
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