Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A wall built around it


Sometimes scars on the outside are just simple reminders of hard times. They are superficial. You only see a part of it. There are times when those scars are SO deep that there is pain that isn't even known until you cut open that wound. Most never cut back open the wounds. For good reason. Once closed you walk away. It seems as though it is a closed chapter.

But what if it does come open? What if you realize the wound was never properly closed and there are unresolved issues inside that wound?

Today, I came to realize there are unresolved issues deep inside a wound that I had thought time and tears had closed.

For several years after we had Tyler we pretty much said we were done having kids. I would go through periods of time where I wanted one but the feelings would come and go. When Dallas came to me and expressed his want for another one I quickly jumped on board and we started looking at all the options for better and more aggressive care. We had a great team of OB NP's and docs and we were sent to a Perinatologist before we even considered taking out our IUD.

We got a lot of good information and we went ahead. We didn't think we would be traveling the road 2 years later and heart break after heart break. In the mean time we moved back to Utah. My old OB was back in our corner. When we got a positive test right before giving up, ( no really. I had talked to him the SAME day we got a positive telling him that I was not going to be able to do this much longer) my heart skipped a few beats and a knot in my stomach tightened. I didn't know for sure why. We were so prepared. We had so much information and so much that we knew they " Could" be just fine. But the knot was still there.

We had our first appointment not so long ago. ( It feels like forever!) The news wasn't horrible but I saw the look on Dr. A's face. He was a little nervous. Though there was something there, it wasn't as big as it should have been. A new "2 week wait" was in play.

The second ultrasound was great. It was everything I hoped. But the knot didn't go away and I was worried. A lot worried. Questions and concerns and fears and sadness.

We were scheduled today for a perinatology appointment at American Fork Hospital. They only come a few times a weeks. We were in pretty quickly.

I was nervous all day. I was sick this morning and nervous, nervous and worried and worried and WORRIED.

The Ultrasound was amazing. In two weeks we had a MUCH better view and we got lots of amazing pictures and views and heartbeat. It was great! Then we were left in the room, waiting.

The perinatologist came in and she was WIRED! She should really cut back on the caffeine. She said everything looked great and sent us in to a room to " talk."

I did really well trying to get all the information absorbed into my head. The end of the conversation I lost it. She said the only thing I have to worry about this time is being pregnant. Leave the ailments, contractions and any complications up to her and Dr. A to diagnose, treat and keep this baby in and alive. She truly feels that we had TRUE preterm labor. Given the trauma we have already been to, she said no one could have stopped it. Then the tears came.

For 5 years ( and probably for the rest of my life) I can't and probably never will forgive myself. Though there is NOTHING that I could have done differently, my body failed a little one pound baby. It FAILED. It couldn't keep him safe. I failed.

Till that point the knot was still there. Now the knot is a little looser. I have many things that I need to do for myself that will make this pregnancy go much smoother than the last. Some are just simply mindsets and others are big, big changes. But most of all I can start to trust myself again.

5 years of questioning my every thought, movement and action for Tyler and I know that this time we will do the best we can and get much further. I still have some issues to work through. I have many issues of a second time parent and the love of a baby #2 but I have some other issues that just MIGHT crop up.

Till then, there is a baby. A gorgeous right on schedule baby that is coming to a house near you in the Summer of 2011. Be looking forward to delivery between 7-3 and 7-12!!! YEP we will have a JULY baby. ( yes August is the due date... but in a later post you will see WHY we get one a smidgen early!) Oh and did I mention 2 scans a month!!!!!!!! Then weekly SOON SOON SOON!


3 comments:

singedwingangel said...

Aww sweetie so excited for you..

Rod, Jodi, Will, Wyatt, Cole , Zane said...

HI Nancy I ran across your blog & I am so happy for you!!! I hope all goes well for you with this new one on the way!! I am so glad your little boy is doing good also!! Good luck with everything!!!!
Jodi Magnuson

The Mom said...

Oh I so know how you feel. If I let it, that same feeling creeps up on me. With twins my pregnancy was bound to come early but not as early as it did. Whenever we see our amazingly awesome pediatrician he can always see that look on my face and he reminds me and reprimands me that it's not my fault. But as a mom, it's our job to do everything we can and sometimes I feel that I just didn't do it. I am so very happy for you and your current pregnancy, I truly wish you the best and KNOW that it will all be good this time around for you. We are done, I couldn't do it again, but sometimes I wonder.....hmmm. Best of wishes to you and Thanks for sharing. I wish nobody else had to know that pain, but glad to know that I am not alone. :)