Thursday, June 3, 2010

Confessions of a Mother

I learned at the CBC that all my readers ( my mom!) want us to be totally honest and up front and divulge our "secrets" and share what makes us who we are and not be fake. Be Real! That the truth will set you free and others will find you who are in the same situation. It is all about support. Right?

So that is what I am going to do. I am following in the footsteps of my new friend Monica who talked at the CBC conference and taught a panel on Special needs and living in a Atypical world. She felt that Honesty was in the best policy for her so she even gave her own "out" about depression. She had NEVER blogged about her secret life with her xanax and depression. She must not have realized the rest of us have it too!

Well my confession isn't quite what hers was and mine isn't all a secret. But not everyone knows.

So here it goes.

For over a year an a half ( almost 2 now) we have struggled with infertility. We have seen every kind of doctor that we can to make sure that our pregnancy goes healthy and smooth (perinatologist, OB, urologist) and we have been waiting and waiting (and praying) for that little embryo to come on in.

We had to do medication in January to help stop the growth of my endometriosis and in turn had to wait 3 more months to officially "try" again. ( What's a few more months right?)

We got our plan of action from my trusty OB and we went home. Lots of new medication on hand. So with a lot of prayer and talking we decided it would be in our best interest to go ahead and get into a fertility endocrinologist ( aka a fertility doc.)

There were a few indicators that maybe we needed to get checked out. Being unsure of where the problem was, we sat down. Ready to hear all that they had to say. ( Or Not) No matter how much I knew there was stuff "wrong" with me it isn't the best feeling in the world to be told that there is a problem and then given a plan of action VERY quickly.

In our consult we went through family history, concerns and personal history. We had a few concerns and then our Doctor said " I am concerned about getting you pregnant and soon." So our plan was put into action.

We got all of our information. It was a lot to take in. There were A LOT of questions. One big one was cost. Our insurance that we pay a few grand a month for will cover IUI at 50 percent but not IVF. They don't cover a DIME of infertility medication. So of course cost is a HUGE concern for me. Dallas was quick to put me at ease. But cost is still a HUGE concern for me.

Our first cycle seemed to fly by. We started with an ultrasound, ordered medications and did blood work. A HSG was scheduled and done. This is where we hit our first snag.

The HSG is not suppose to be painful. Unless of course you have a tipped uterus or something blocking your tubes. Though my tubes came up fine ( you find out after if it is ok and mine were clear) my uterus was tipped. Badly. Out came these MASSIVE tweezers looking things. Needless to say I did not fair well. I went home and totally crashed in my trusty sweat pants. I thought things were going good till a few days later. I woke up sick. VERY sick.

Turns out there is a SLIM chance of infection when you have an HSG done. Well, we had a slight infection. I was sick for about 2 days and just laid in bed. Got some antibiotics and felt better in a few days.

Next we went in for our ultrasound to see if my body has some eggs. Low and behold NOPE. Not ONE. It was really hard. REALLY hard.

Our clinic decided it would be in our best interest to do some estrogen pills to see if my body responded. It was really hard to take the estrogen knowing that it was "waking up" my ovaries which in turn my endometriosis grow. But Tuesday we had our ultrasound and things worked.

For our next cycle we have a new protocol. We went from a Clomid cycle to a FSH cycle. This is a daily injection ( MUCH more costly than the CHEAP clomid) and a much more painful cycle in hopes that we get at least one egg.

New medications were started and the cycle is almost ready to begin.

That my friends is our big confession. A deep dark one!

You can find the daily writing of it over at Fertility fight

We struggle with infertility. We REALLY want a baby. We don't want to adopt and I have not gotten to the point where we are OK with just being done.


Robin said...

Amber and I have you and Dallas in our thoughts and prayers. We are praying hard that your family gets the added blessing of "Emmalee". You and Dallas make WONDERFUL parents and Tyler would make a WONDERFUL big brother. We hope "Emmalee" comes soon!!!!

The Atomic Mom said...

I clicked here from MMBs. Although I've not had your struggles with infertilty, we've had our own adventures in that department. There are so many of us out there...we need to develop a sign or something so we can know who we all are. Keep trying, keep the faith and keep going, you're not alone!! :)

Cynthia said...

We met at the CBC and you already know my infertility story. I remember the struggle so well. Just know, someday this will be part of your life story rather than your life current- there is life AFTER the all-consuming infertility. I hope your wait is short.

Stacy said...

Found you from MMV- I've been stalking you for a little while. Just saw that your little boy has had two craniosynostosis surgeries- so has mine.

I've struggle with infertility as well. It was definitely a "refiner's fire" time in my life. Lots of love and good thoughts to you as you start on the journey.

Janet said...

Hang in there! I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. While I don't know exactly what you're feeling, I've had a taste of it. You are amazing and I am crossing my fingers for your family!

CNP said...

I don't care what they say..HSG hurts. Good luck with the rest. We struggled with infertility for 4 years then got our Trent. Second time around I only could do it for 4 months and had to stop. We adopted our Jadon. Both ways were hard but well worth it!