Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy would have should have Birthday Tyler!

Today marks the 4Th Would have birthday for my sweet boy. Today was the day he was suppose to come into our family. For most, a due date can come and go and the relief that they came "early" would be a joy. It marks a time of mixed emotions for me.

I belong to a support group of strictly "micro preemie" moms. It seems that through my journey with prematurity later gestation babies and micro preemies have their own "special" set of issues. One that sometimes makes it hard to be empathetic and even sympathetic to our own kind. These women have taught me that it is ok to still think about this day. To even mourn it in a way. The full term birth of our child is something we missed out on. It is something we missed or were "ripped off." One that we are jealous of other women. For some of us, it even makes it so that our preemie becomes an only child.

Having Tyler come early was such a pivotal point for me. In some ways it has made me bitter. In other ways I have grown and changed.
The experience was in some ways horrifying and in others beautiful.

There is not a day that goes by that prematurity doesn't impact us. We came out with some pretty mean battle wounds.

He was "broken" because I was not able to carry him to term.

There are still so many guilty thoughts that go through my mind. Thoughts that I did something to cause his early birth or that I could have done something to prevent it.

His prematurity has taught me strength. He has taught me strength, determination and more Christlike love than I could have ever imagined knowing and feeling.

Every day I look into the eyes of a Hero.

Happy "would have" Birthday Hero!


ThePreemie Experiment said...

Hugs to you my friend! I feel your pain and wish I could take it away.

Ellen said...

Hello! I came here from KnowledgeSafari. I have been through a different journey, and also have mixed feelings about this time of year. My son was born December 10, and had a stroke at birth that resulted in mild cerebral palsy. We were in the NICU for two weeks, through Christmas, and I always get sad this time of year. So I try to keep my focus on my beautiful boy, who continues to amaze me, and not let my thoughts carry me away. But I so know how you feel.