Monday, October 19, 2009

I am sick

I had this idea in my head of how everything was suppose to be. How the future would be. What the future would be. I imagined my kids growing up, playing, moving out, getting married and being on their own.

When I was getting ready to get married we talked about when and how many kids we wanted. We had once said 3. Then we got pregnant and it change to one! But being pregnant you still had those dreams. You have ideas and desires for your children.

I didn't think it would be hard to get pregnant. And well it wasn't "hard' the first time cause we weren't planning on getting pregnant and we were on birth control. So a pregnancy was surprising and yet very welcome. We wanted this baby.

Our dreams started then and soon they changed. 4 years after that baby they have still changed. But our dreams are more fuzzy now. We don't have the luxury of looking ahead to a wedding, when we don't know if he will ever talk.

Then comes up the questions of another baby. We did try. It didn't work so well. And we decided that maybe it wasn't the right time. And now, I am sick.

It is not a new sick. In fact it has kinda been around awhile. But we get a lot of down time when I get certain medication or it flairs when I am off the medication. I was off the medication because we wanted a baby. And now I am sick.

In Feb. 2008 I was taken into surgery to remove my endometriosis and they found a large amount of adhesion's from my previous surgeries and from my c section. The adhesion's and endometriosis is around my bowels, bladder and a few nerves in my leg. It was fixed for a while.

But it is back. I hurt. Though it is not chronic debilitating pain it is not pleasant. Knowing they can fix it is helpful. But how much is it going to take to fix it?

At some point the only option we will be left with is hysterectomy. That means the rest of the dreams of one more baby. A full term baby just might not be possible.

I am not sure I am emotionally able to take that step. Tomorrow, I go to my trusted doctor. To check on the endometrioma that is growing and take some steps to feel better.


Matt and Brianna said...

I feel your pain...quite literally actually. This option was actually brought up to me today as well. It's not fair. We are so young. Our children are so young. Don't they deserve another sibling? But don't we deserve to have a better quality of life? Don't we have ENOUGH challenges and trials WITH OUT this one?? *sigh* I can just say, I love you. I am here for you. Keep me posted.

Amelia said...

Nancy, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You are right, you are too young. Tyler deserves a sibling, and you deserve to experience mothering more children. Remember that, if/when you are ready for another child, there are other options out there. We are a family because of one. You know that when we follow Heavenly Father's will, there is a way. It might not be easy, fun, or what we expected, but it always ends up being the best thing for us. Hang in there girl!

April Stutzman said...

I will surely keep you in prayer. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Keep on believing because ALL things are possible if we ONLY BELIEVE!

Josephine said...

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. I hope that the doctors are able to help get you feeling better. I also hope and pray that if another biological child is God's plan for you then it won't be difficult to get there!

Amber said...

My heart aches for you!!! I remember when we were companions and how much pain you were in. I prayed your pain would get better. You are still in my prayers. I hope that your dreams come true!!!!