My Motherhood

4 years ago today I was sitting in a hospital room wondering what the future held for my new little family. Wondering what dreams were going to come true and wondering if I would ever get to take home my son. This day brings forth so many emotions. Not the anticipation of a happy, chubby, screaming child. But of sadness, fear, and extreme LOVE and faith.

Here is our story.
Four years ago I was laying in a hospital bed being told that I was going to have to deliver my son. I was told not to yell, scream, cry, or even throw up.

My only thought......It was to early……

September 20th 2005 : I had been feeling really yucky all day. I had been up for most of the night not feeling well. Having some strange cramps and some strange discharge ( hindsight it was my mucus plug) There was something not right. I called my doctor and the nurse told me to take it easy and not do anything, that I was being a paranoid first time mom. I stayed on the couch watching TV and doing homework. Dallas came home early from work and he had to go to a job interview that night. I decided to go to work. I was sitting at work so no big deal. He was going to drop me off and when my shift was over he would come and get me. Big Brother season finale was on and we were gonna watch it together. I got off work and he was not there yet. I called him and he was on his way so I decided to walk and meet him. BIG mistake. I started to cramp that evening but the Nurse earlier said that if there were less than four in an hour then it was not a big deal. So I was up and down with the feeling that I needed to go to the bathroom. I couldn't go but I really had to. I decided to eat something. It all came back up. I keep getting sicker and sicker as the night went on.

We decided that I had a bladder infection and that we needed to go to the ER. We decided to go to Alta View so that Dallas and his Dad could give me a blessing. ( At the time they lived close by Alta View) Dallas went into the ER and told them that I was sick and outside so if they could help me. They took me into the Labor and delivery part of the hospital.

I had the most wonderful nurse. Her name was Windy. She had me take a urine sample and put on a monitor. The monitor didn’t pick up anything including a heart beat. They had to get the doppler out just to find a heart beat. I could feel Tyler kicking the whole time and knew he was alive but they couldn't find him. They figured I had a bladder infection. They were not in a hurry to get things moving knowing a bag of fluid and antibiotics would send me on my way. But it was more than that.

I was having a baby!! And it was too soon.

The room went crazy. Nurses were everywhere and doctors were called. I was laying there so confused and thinking that it was to early. That he was not really coming and they were wrong. They tipped my bed upside down and started me on Magnesium to stop the labor and gave me shots of steroids to help Tyler's lungs.

There was nothing they could do he was coming.

15 week early.

It was to early. I knew deep in my heart that it was to early. If he came now he would not make it. I would go home empty handed with a broken heart.

They called maternal life flight to come and get me. They got there and I was to far dilated to take on the helicopter. For two hours they sat there discussing what they should do with me. At that point they called pediatric life flight to take my extremely tiny infant somewhere where they could help him. You see, we made the wrong choice. We went to the wrong place. We went someplace that didn't take care of sick babies.

With me staying and Tyler going they decided to do a c-section at that point and do it without being in an emergency situation. My water had not broken yet. His feet were hanging out. He was coming. The nurse put in my catheter and my water broke.

It became an emergency situation.

As I was wheeled into the OR I had to leave the love of my life behind with no idea how or what the future held for our son. We loved him so much but had never met him. He was too soon!!! As I moved onto the operating table from my bed I had another contraction. Up till this point I had no pain medication. The anesthesiologist decided that I had had enough and didn’t even wait to start putting me under. The last thing I remember was them draping my belly.

Waking up I immediately asked for Dallas and they let him in and he told me that they were working on him and that he had seen him and that he was alive. Dallas had been watching them do CPR on our little son. I then went back to sleep. On the way back to my room I remember being wheeled past my parents and everyone telling me that he was beautiful. They were going to let me see him before they took him to LDS or PCMC. They wheeled him into my room. I couldn't really see him because I had to take my contacts out to have surgery. But Dallas gave him a blessing and I KNEW that we would be okay.

That day our family would be started that day.

Tyler Kenneth Brown, my sweet, amazing and miracle son was born at 1:24 AM on September 21st 2005. He weighed 1 lb 11oz. He was 13 inches long. He was life flighted by helicopter to LDS hospital where he would stay for 30 days. He would have one surgery, and suffer from grade 3 and 4 brain bleeds. He was transferred to have a reservoir placed for Hydrocephalus. He would stay at PCMC for 63 days. He would endure 2 more surgeries( resevoir placement and ROP stage 3) and many ups and downs. He came home one day before his due date…. December 23, 2005.

In four years Tyler has had countless surgeries. ( all since being home)
*Feb. 14th 2006- Craniosynostosis skull reconstruction
*April 2006 Emergency Shunt placement
*May 2006 Emergency Shunt revision
* Feb. 14, 2007 Total skull reconstruction
*September 2008 Emergency shunt revision
* Dec. 2008 Dental work
* Feb. 2009 Emergency Shunt revision

We have done Physical therapy and Occupational therapy once a week for almost 4 years. Speech for 2 years. Music therapy for a year. He has started botox therapy where he gets numerous painful injections into his calf muscles. He had weekly weight checks for almost 2 years.

He has had a walker, 4 sets of AFO's, and every six months an in depth eye exam. He has six specialist we see on a regular basis and our regular pediatrician. ( and we were able to recently return to Dr. D and Dr. M) Dr. Marissa was one that I contribute my sanity to for one year and then some in the NICU and for weight checks.

He has had several diagnosis' including Cerebral Palsy, Low vision, craniosynostosis, hydrocephalus and nystagmus and a coloboma ( which is so incredibly CUTE!)

Despite all of this he is a GIANT. My previous post said I would change things. And I would. But only to make it easy for him. I wouldn't change the smile and the Spirit he carries with him.

He has changed my faith. He has instilled a knowledge of a Savior. He has instilled a power of unconditional love and a dying desire to make his life easier somehow. He has taught me that he will get up. That nothing will keep him down. The dreams of him running circles around my legs is just different than it was in my head. Now it includes limps, braces and slow moving circles but he was and has deified all odds. He has shown me that I don't know myself. I don't know love and that I didn't know how much he would impact me and my life.

On this day, four years after the emotions of the last 4 years are very real to me. I can still hear the beeps of the monitors and the feeling of anxiety when I see them bagging my dying child. I see them and hear them EVERY TIME I close my eyes. Yet I can't help but hug him every morning and think of how lucky I am. I can't help but cry when it is hard, and as I cry because it is hard for me I realize that it is harder for him.

On this day I can cry tears of thankfulness, devotion and complete and utter love for that little boy who makes my heart melt. For a smile that takes my breathe away...

For my miracle.