Perspective

I am a member of several preemie groups. One is comprised of blogging micro preemie moms ( and most are on the side bar if you ever want to visit) and all come with a plethora of information and a fountain of answers to a micropreemie life. The experience ranges from Mild to severe so someone somewhere has had it happen.

Perspective has really come into play this weekend on one of these groups. Who's perspective is clearer? Why others see things the way they do? Do we have a right to our perspective and the right to tear others down?

Who's perspective is clearer? I am a mom to a Former 25 weeker. He has grade 3 and 4 bleeds. He has mild PVL. He is almost legally blind, he has tone issues in his legs ( that fall into the normal but high end of normal) He has language delays. He has a shunt and he has craniosynostosis. I do not have a right to tell another mom of a 25 weeker with a grade 3 and 4 bleed that her child will have "no issues", or even "Some issues" or "SEVERE issues." I can provide personal experience and let her know that because I understand a little of what you are doing I would be more than happy to offer my support and understanding. Your perspective is coming from how you see things from your view. That is all.

Why do others see things the way they do? While I can't read minds ( I have tried and I fail miserably....) I personally believe it is because of the seats that they sit in. A mom to 2 beautiful children who suffer from more severe disabilities than my experience will see that my worries are petty, stupid and not even worth her time. But that is just it... you see it from your seat. Something that is harder, more severe or even that you have been there done that. A mom that has a Full term child can't possibly understand what it feels like for any of us that have kids with something wrong with them. Are these moms wrong? I use to think so.. I use to think they were inconsiderate. Now.. I really truly think that its their "seat." It is the view they get because they can't possibly walk in our shoes.. They don't need to.

While in the NICU about 2 months with Tyler I had a visitor come. This visitor was pregnant and while she complained about being pregnant and getting fat I sat with a sick child. I am sure this mom was miserable. That it was horrible for her. She had no idea what I felt. Her view was that of a visitor. Did that make her wrong for complaining. I was livid at the time and still have some bitter feelings but no. Her perspective was just different. Until she asks what it is possibly like for me then she can't know.

A close friend of mine has lost a child. I can't possibly understand her grief because I am just an outsider looking in with no way to understand. I do sympathize with her because I feel like I "lost" something but I have no idea how her grief and pain are. They are hers. But I can listen. I can understand because of the misunderstandings in my situation how she can be frustrated and angry and sad. But being a listener I can hopefully validate her in some way.

Another dear friend ( who I think I offended cause she has been avoiding and hiding from me!!) has a amazing out look on her trials. While our preemies had very similar trials at the beginning we went a very different path once we got home. that doesn't diminish her trials or make mine better or worse. It makes them different. While she struggles with mobility, we struggle with weight. While they deal with Seizures we deal with sleep issues. While I can imagine how hurtful it is to hear we have been mobile or we are doing something new, I admire what she does and how hard she works and I find it hurtful in some ways to hear of their weight gain and other things. I have learned that by stopping and listening.. I can learn something. Even if it is small and most of the time I walk away with something new.

Yes.. we do have the right to our perspective. We even have a right to voice our perspective, but there is a down side. They have a right to theirs. Although both sides have their opinion the audience that you bring it to might not like it. Don't complain about being pregnant to a mom who has lost a child or had a preemie. Don't complain about no money to someone who works 80 hours a week or who goes on vacation all the time. Don't judge a mom who is looking for concern and help on a preemie board just because her preemie isn't as severe as yours. Its the luck of the draw. Its not a fun road for anyone. Help out those who are still on the path.