Friday, September 28, 2012

September is almost over and I have pretty much not done anything to promote or inform anyone about hydrocephalus other than the first post. I have a million blogs floating around in my head AND have started 9. I have finished none.

So the reality is, I am tired. I am tired of a lot of things. Some stuff have happened in my “private” life that has made it so that I am tired of people peeping into things and then saying stuff to others regarding a life they choose not to be a part of. So I focused on my little family and my ability to be their mom.

We have been establishing a routine here with Ty at school. We have been dealing with Tyler stuff. Stuff that people may think is not something to worry about, but the reality is, it is HARD. We are coming into a time where in our Faith, we are having to figure out if Tyler is accountable or not. Meaning, does he know the difference between right and wrong AND to understand the consequences and the ability to take on covenants. Or is he one of those small percents that is not in the category to be baptized. Because it was coming up on a VERY emotional time, I just kinda checked myself out of being judged.

An example of a Tyler-ism and does he get it. After a VERY long morning with everyone, the parents were upstairs in the house with Grayson. I was drying my hair. D came inside and asked if I had been downstairs. I said yes, earlier to check on Ty and his breakfast. Turns out, in the time I left and D came back in, Tyler had gone over to the water cooler and DRAINED IT on the floor. He hasn’t touched it in over a year. But that day he drained it. As I wiped up the floor we had him help, sat him in Time out and when we talked to him about what was the problem he couldn’t tell us why we were upset or mad or what he had done wrong.  To top it off... we are STILL not potty trained and it seems like a HUGE chunk of sadness realizing that I JUST might be doing this for a lot longer than I had thought. Like MY whole life.

Another Tyler-ism. Tonight while we were cleaning up after Dinner Ty was riding his scooter in the house. ( Mind you, my kitchen is HUGE and fits and entire sitting room in it. ) It is also all tile so it is the perfect mini race track for him. Grayson LOVES to play with him. He was being “chased” by Tyler and when Grayson decided to be done he left the game. Ty decided it was a GOOD IDEA to run him over. So, there goes Grays head first onto the tile. They are both super tired, we start baths. Tyler gets mad at Grayson in the tub and pushes him and holds him under the water while I am doing meds. Yep, the sweet Ty tried to drown my child. I was FURIOUS. You can’t just be ok with that. But what do you do. There is nothing that I can do to MAKE him understand why it is wrong.

To top it off, I am sick. We had hoped that I would make it 2 years before experiencing the symptoms of endometriosis. Well, gee. What a crock. I am so sick that I can’t feel my leg. It is so bad. When I went in to beg for a hysterectomy, I got told I wasn’t old enough. How can I not be old enough. 15 year old children ( and younger) can have children. I can’t get pregnant without massive loads of drugs, shots and the works.I can’t stay pregnant without all the help in the modern medicine world and I can’t decide if I want to feel my leg or not. So I get to do a month of waiting, crying and hoping my leg doesn’t fall off.

On top of the above, infertility raised it’s ugly head along with some emotions I forget where there. So while I am so happy for some, I am so sad for myself. Add that to the emotions of life, Cerebral Palsy, (judge mental people who I KNOW read this thing... HI to you stalkers out there) school, baclofen, hydrocephalus, anxiety, depression and people who can’t take their own responsibility, I am SOOOO tired.

Coming up. Ty’s birthday. Tomorrow we are going to the Phoenix children’s museum and in October we are going to Utah. Weather is cooler here and we are getting into our routine.

 We can do hard things.


Shauna Gunnell said...

Sending lots of hugs your way. I may not know your exact struggles, but I sure understand the pain and exhaustion involved. Hope things look up soon. You sure deserve it.

The Henrys said...

I, too, send you lots of hugs and strength. You do lots of hard stuff everyday and have every reason to feel the way you are describing. Try not to worry about others and their judgements. Focus on your family because that is all you can do.

Chantel said...

I for SURE am one of the stalker. I stalk you at least 2 times a day :) Probably more! I am sure it is an exhausting task to keep up with Ty. You are a great mom to him, he is lucky to have someone like you to care for him. I have learned infertility feelings NEVER go away. NEVER. I will be 55 and know it will still be like a fresh punch to the gut. :( I hope you can get some medical help and make life a bit more easy.