By nothing happening I don't mean a cold, or a bad day. Not even appointments. Those are fine and part of what I do. I mean the emergency ones. The shunt ones. It turns me upside down.
My insides are a mess. I feel all alone. I have the anxiety kicked into high gear. My germaphobia kicks in because I don't want the shunt to get it. I can't think straight. I can't go to sleep at night without way to long of thinking, over and over what I did to my child. What I watched them do to my child. What I begged to have them do so I could be his mom. Those are what are making my insides aches right now.
I am super struggling with feelings inadequate as his mother. Struggling with his change and not feeling like I am missing something big. AFRAID. Afraid to sometimes be alone with him. What if I break him, or miss something.
I haven't cried about his last surgery. Like really cried. I haven't been able to get rid of the guilt yet. That some where it was my fault. That as his mother I may or may not be the cause of some of this.
The guilt goes away. All of this becomes a memory and then.......we break again.
I am in the middle right now. I want to be at the end of the cycle.
I am waiting for the peace...
7 comments:
I don't know what to say except that I am saying a prayer for you. I know how hard it is to deal with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and guilt, and it's especially hard when you're not getting enough sleep.
Sometimes I just have to go away for a few minutes and let it all out.
{{{HUGS}}}
I too don't know what to say except I am thinking about you and wishing you find peace soon.
Hugs>>>>>>>>
Your family is constatly in my thoughts and prayers. I have so much admiration for you. Don't ever doubt yourself as a mother bc you are a GREAT mother!! <3
((HUGS)) We all go through these guilt struggles . . . as mommas we just want to protect, protect, protect.
You poor girl! You are a great mom and Ty is so lucky to have you and Dallas as parents. I can tell you as a mom to "normal" kids, I have a lot of anxiety, feelings of inadequacy (this one almost constant) and guilt. I am sure it is more so with someone who can break more easily like sweet Tyler. Your doing a great job and being the best mom you can be. My sister has a sign on her wall that says "stress less, pray more." I think we can all apply that to being a mom :) Let me know if there is anything we can do to help.
POOR NANCY!!!! I wish I could be there and comfort you like we did so many time to each other on our mission. You have been through so much. You, Dallas and Typler are in my prayers!!! Just hold on to Heavenly Father and Christ!!! Maybe you can find comfort in my favorite scripture from the mission Alma 7:11-13. We came to earth to be like Christ. Christ cam to earth to be like us. He wanted and chose to come to earth and experience EVERYTHING we go through so He would know how to comfort us when we run to Him. Also remember it is ok to be afraid, it doesn't mean you have lost your faith.
Oh missy...
This is how I have been feeling for the last couple weeks! Seriously, sometimes it seems when it rains it POURS! And then FLOODS! But you know I am here for you, heaven knows you've been there for me :) Call me anytime you need to just vent or anything!!
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