As we were sitting in Sacrament today Tyler curled up in my arms and feel right to sleep. I was holding him and feeling his heart beat with mine and his breathes even out and smell his sweet smell, then I saw on his arm a little spot. It was in the crease of his arm. It was small. It was very small.I looked a littler closer and realized that spot was a scar. I moved from that spot down to his hand and saw more. It made my mind wander. It made me kinda sad.
Those scars all have stories. They have a history.
I was thinking of all the "scars" that he carries. Some are harder to look at. The ones that span his little sweet head are the ones that make me sad. The ones that make me wonder as he gets older if he will be mad about them. If others will make fun of him.
The little spots on his arms and feet where the IV's gave him nutrients and kept him alive are ones that I rub when he lays on my chest.
Then come the ones that are harder for the outside world to see. The scars on his retinas that no one can see are things I wonder about. Can he see this tree? Does he know what the sky looks like? Can or will he be able to read a book with out help? Does he see me? Does he us smile?
What about the scars at night that cause the nightmares? Did I do that as I begged at night to have God save his life. Did I cause memories that disturb his sweet sleep?
Did I cause those scars?
He isn't the only one with scars.
The scars I bear are ones that I wouldn't give up. The scar that spans hip to hip is the scar that me and Dallas share together. Not ones that I want others to share.
How deep do scars go on the inside?
Sometimes I lay awake and wonder about things. Replay events. Dream of the what ifs.
Those scars never go away.
As I watched my sleeping baby and watched and looked at his scars I realized one more thing. There were a million other places that had no scars. That those were perfect places.
Perfect.
Perfect like him.
10 comments:
you have a way with words. this was beautiful. thanks for sharing it!
Like you said, he does have scars but each scar makes Tyler who he is! He is a little fighter! We all know that. Look at Kayden's scar from his belly button all the way down to his pelvis, that shows where his kidney transplant was. He can't go without a shirt because it shows his scar and his tube. And he is proud to tell everyone, "I had a kidney transplant!" It makes the person an individual! I will take Tyler anyway God brought him to us! :)
p.s lol, your scar is gross! :)
Not all scars mean we are not perfect. The greatest scars of all are on the hands of Christ. He didn't do anything that deserved those scars, except agree to get them. Because He will willing, we have eternal life. Did they make him not perfect? Far from it. He is more perfect because of those scars. His scars show his perfect love. He loved us enough that he agreed to suffer those scars so we could learn to be more like him. Perhaps that is what Tyler is doing; he is suffering those scars so we can learn to be more like him. He has such a perfect love and he wants us to learn how to treat others with the same love he has. Tyler has taught me so much, and I love him for that. Tyler is creating better people in all of us. You didn't create his scars, the Lord allowed them for a purpose that we might not understand. But our Father in Heaven understands. It is up to us and Tyler to learn how his scars can help us be better people.
That was beautiful Nancy! I love how you wrote it.
Wow. Just wow. I often look at Aidan's heelsticks and wonder if he remembers the pain. I often think he does. Sometimes when he has nightmares I wonder if he remembers. I try not to think about it.
I just love this post, because I'll always have scars too. My c section scar being the obvious one but many others.
Beautifully written.
What a wonderful, priceless, imperfect, tattered angel you have!!!! My cousin and his wife also had a tattered angle that had to go through more in his 6 months of life then I anyone I know. He spent his entire life in the NICU and never got to go home. His "warrior scars" is what made us cherish him even more. I can't wait to meet your tattered angel someday!!! SURE LOVE YA!!!!
What a sweet post.
Incredible. Wow! Just Wow! Beautifully written. I have never commented before but today I just have to, as a mom to a former 23 weeker this post touched my heart.
I look at my son's surgery scars and heel stick scar and always wonder will he ever forgive me????
Joey
Wow...I know what you are feeling. I look at the scars on Kenny...on his chest, back, hands, feet and neck...and think to myself...what happened? Why him, why did my twins have to come early and why did he have to experience so much...and will continue to experience. And Grandma Labrum said it perfectly! Our little ones are here because they have a purpose...there is a reason and they are perfect! They fought hard and won...and will continue to win every day! *the guilt we carry is something that we shouldn't feel but do. I love this post. Thank you and give him an extra kiss tonight!
Absolutely beautiful. Your words always touch my heart and makes me remember every little thing, good or bad.
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